Derby week in Kentucky is a fabulous time. Everyone is trying to figure out which horse they’re betting on, which hat they’re wearing, whose Derby party they’re attending and making sure they have all the ingredients for a Mint Julep.

It has been pouring rain here in the Bluegrass since Friday but for a few minutes on Saturday afternoon, the sun broke through and we all got to sing “My Old Kentucky Home” with a little sun on our faces.

This Derby has been bittersweet for me in that severe flooding has occurred in Kentucky as well as in Tennessee.

Many people have died. People are stranded due to flooded highways and interstates. Homes have been evacuated.

Kinda puts things into perspective.

My husband has been out since early this morning….working claims, helping people move furniture out of flooded basements and tonight, helping a good friend salvage his belongings before his house is taken over by the Green River.

The water is so high they had to canoe to his house.

Things can be replaced. Houses can be rebuilt.

People can not.

I pray tonight that all these guys are safe…especially mine.

Yesterday my mom picked up my two girls and left me home alone. And then Rico worked late and left me home alone. Then I ran around the house jumping up and down, yelling and screaming until I fell in a heap of exhaustion on my dirty floor.

For all you parents out there that wonder what they will do with yourselves after your children are grown and out of the house, I can’t relate to you. I will have no problem entertaining myself come 15 years from now. My life will be full and fun and rested.

Here is a rundown of the things I did over the last 24 hours…

1. Started a load of laundry in both washers yesterday at noon. They are still sitting there and will continue to stay there until I am forced to become responsible again.

2. Gotten bedsores on my backside from lying in bed watching Everyone Loves Raymond reruns. And Housewives of Orange County. And Antiques Roadshow. And all sorts of gossip filled news shows outing the latest Tiger Ho.

3. Didn’t act as a short order cook for dinner but fixed bacon and egg sandwiches for dinner because that’s what I wanted. No macaroni and cheese. No Hamburger Helper. No bologna sandwiches.

4. Never poured a single glass of Kool Aid. No hunting the house over for someones lost sippy cup. No cleaning up spilt tea off the floor. Only drinking highly caffeinated sugar filled soft drinks that make me pee all night long.

5. Never wiped anyone’s butt. Wait a minute, I wiped my own but that doesn’t count.

6. Took a shower by myself. Soaked in the garden tub by myself. Didn’t step or sit on toys in either instance. Took a shower with my husband without the threat of prying eyes. In case you didn’t notice, I like to be clean and to conserve water by bathing together. It’s not easy being green.

7. Slept until 9:30 this morning without interruption. Need I say more?

8. Slept naked in bed without someone asking why I don’t have clothes on. Funny how Rico never asks that question.

9. Ate a whole bowl of homemade fudge without sharing and NOT feeling guilty.

10. Thinking I could get used to this way of life but admitting to myself that it was a little lonely.

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!

I am the laid back parent.

The one who lets things slide.

The fun parent.

The one who lets the kids pick out their own hideous outfits and lets them wear them in public. The one who raps Flo-rida in the grocery store to embarrass her kids. And sings Andrea Bocelli at the top of her lungs while dropping the oldest off at school.

She loves when I do that…

Fifth graders don’t appreciate opera.

My husband is the disciplinarian.

He makes the kids tow the line. Makes them dress appropriately.

The one who is always saying to me, “Why did you let them do that?”

So it ’twas with much delight that my husband made a bone headed move. A move that required sirens. And hot firemen. And lots of hysterical laughing from me.

While at the beach, my “I was on the National Problem Solving Team” husband decided we should take the girls out for a ride. We dressed appropriately and packed all necessary items (cause he’s anal like that) and took off.

First stop, the condo elevator.

Once inside, he got the bright idea to start jumping. In the elevator. With me and the kids.

Duh.

And then it stopped….in between floors.

Big Duh.

And the doors wouldn’t open and he had to push this little red button.

Super Duh.

And the firemen of the Gulf Shores Fire Department had to come rescue us…

in…

a…

FIRETRUCK.

Super Duper Duh.

And as the nice fireman were getting us out, my eleven year old says to Rico…

“You’re not supposed to jump in elevators. They’ll get stuck.”

Gas to Gulf Shores:   $200

Blackberry with camera to capture the evidence:     $400

Having your husband finally make a stupid parent move:    PRICELESS!

My husband loves me.

Really, really loves me.

But sometimes he does stupid things.

Really, really stupid things.

Like last week when I was getting out of the shower. He thought it’d be cute to play Playboy photographer and take some pictures of his smokin’ hot wife.

Well, he had his five minutes of fun and then my dimpled ass was to be deleted.

Cut to this weekend. Ella’s birthday party with the whole family.

My mom arrived and I was so excited to show her pictures from the costume party the night before. I whipped out my camera and she and my father in law gathered around. I pushed the button on the camera to find the costume pictures and it was soooo slow that I decided to keep pushing it more and more and more….until it got stuck.

When it finally stopped, there in all my glory was my big ol’ BADONKADONK.

Not only did I show my mother the naughty picture taken by my super genius husband but I also flashed my father in law the junk in my trunk.

Oh, yeah. I did.

His only response, “That’s why you should never get your pictures developed at Walmart.”

Point taken.

Love and Marriage…Love and Marriage.

Yes, we were the Bundy’s for Halloween

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. Check back tomorrow night for a regular post.

For a good laugh tonight, here’s Rico looking like a ding dong…

No, the mistake isn’t him.

He wanted me to let ya’ll know that right off the bat. He thinks my title is misleading…like, I have “My first mistake” and then a huge picture of him would lead anyone to the wrong assumption?

Surely he knows by now that if that’s what I really thought I would have posted his picture with the title, “I married a ding dong” but I didn’t…yet.

So’s, anyways.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

We went to the beach for fall break. The ride down was fairly uneventful and I didn’t even have to drug them. The new truck has a DVD player with…gasp…wireless headphones and since I lied and told Ella that the only way you could watch a movie is to wear the headphones AND she believed me, we had a quiet ride.

Because trust me people, 9 hours of listening to Barney movies in the small confined space of an automobile will make you a little homicidal.

It wasn’t until we arrived that I learned that Ella had been watching Big Momma’s House the entire trip. Over and over and over.

Yeah, I’m real observant like that.

Mistake.

See this little red head?

Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful?

And then she opened her mouth.

She thought it would be a FABULOUS idea to yell out to all the larger ladies on the beach and say, “Hey look, there’s Big Momma.”

Oh yes…she did.

Fall break is here and we’re at the beach. 

Be back soon!

Here in Hooterville, every third weekend in September we celebrate Cow Days.

Yes, COW DAYS.

Many small towns here in Kentucky have their own festivals, such as Ham Days, Lincoln Days, the Bourbon Festival, Foothill Days, and The Apple Festival. For us, it’s Cow Days.

It’s a homecoming of sorts. Class reunions are usually planned to coincide with Cow Days and you usually run into someone you never thought you’d see before.

One of the first things you have to do upon arriving is milk Annie. She’s a large fiberglass cow that the kids can milk for grape Koolaid. This is the first year Ella would even come close to her.

I have been tempted to lay down underneath her and squirt the Koolaid right in my mouth but Rico said it wouldn’t be “appropriate.” He’s no fun.

Ella wanted to do the same…she really is MY child.

Next is a ride on the train. Which costs $3.00 per person for a 5 minute ride.

I think I need a new career. You know how many people fell for this rip off?

You can find all kinds of arts and crafts, fall decorations and even buy such things as camouflaged lingerie and this…

a candle called “Boyfriend in a Jar.” And I can speak from experience when I say this candle smells better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. ‘Nuff said.

You can even let your 3 year old pick out a tattoo.

Then you can run into Farm Chick who always gets the better picture and blogging fodder.

Next is the parade which includes the local high school band, the Shriners, a gazillion tractors and several hundred horses and mules.

And what festival wouldn’t be complete without a beauty pageant?

Rachel decided she wanted to compete for the coveted “Miss Pre-teen Cow Days.” She begged and I hoped this phase would pass. It didn’t and we spent the whole week prior learning to walk in heels.

She looked beautiful and grown up and elegant.

She got 2nd runner up and had a great time.

Cow Days. While it’s certainly not an event for the society pages, it’s suits us just fine.

This one I’m gonna have problems with.

The second day at the condo an older gentleman stopped me in the parking lot and asked if I was the mother of a little girl named Ella.

At this point I’m having all kinds of crazy thoughts. Why is some old man hanging out in the parking lot asking about my 2 year old daughter? 

False alarm. 

He simply wanted to know if I “imbibed.”

And since I’m blond and didn’t know what that meant…I said no.

He went on to explain that that was too bad…seeing as he was a master distiller for Jack Daniel….and since Ella and his niece had become such good friends at the pool…he thought we might enjoy some Gentleman Jack Tennessee whiskey. Yada…yada…yada.

Wait a minute….I imbibe…I imbibe…I imbibe!

And so he came on out to the pool to meet my husband and family and bring us a treat.

Being from Kentucky and all, we are a bit of snobs. We like our bourbon. Tennessee whiskey? That’s a huge faux pas.

But because of our southern manners, we know that it’s impolite to turn down a gift and that when you get right down to it…it’s still free liquor.

The next morning I woke up to this outside our front door.

Yes, people. That’s whiskey in the stroller. Another fine gift from our distiller friend to try to lure us over from the bourbon side.

So thank you Ella for hanging out with master distillers…even though they aren’t a Samuels from Marker’s Mark.

And thank you Mr. Distiller for making me realize that my 2 year old just bought me a drink.

Last week, a couple of my girlfriends and I decided to take the kids to the condo for a few days of fun and sun on the beach. It should have been a pleasant, joyful time for us all.

It was not.

The kids were wild…they bickered..they drove us absolutely nuts.

After four days, we packed our stuff and came home.

Now mind you, the ride home wasn’t much better. The kids were wild…they bickered…they drove us absolutely nuts AND our fuses were shot.

Traffic through Montgomery, Alabama was horrid and we tried to allude a 3 hour traffic jam by taking a side road. The problem was everyone else had the same idea. People were tired, in a hurry, and generally pissed off.

While going through a green light, a Lincoln Navigator barrelled through the turning lane, illegally going through the light and cutting in front of me, missing my vehicle by inches.

Needless to say, I was pissed and I blared the horn.

Well, ”Miss Thang” decided to jump out of her SUV and proceed to call me everything but a dirty white girl.

Words were exchanged..most of them not so nice…and then she told me to get “my white ass” out of my vehicle.

Oh, yes…she did.

As my friend,who weighs 98 pounds soaking wet, gets out of the car to “get my back”, I loudly asked for her to “GET MY GUN!”

And magically, ”Miss Thang” got her ass back in the vehicle and left.

I may talk slow and with a drawl. My hair may be big and blond. I may carry a fabulous purse.

You may outweigh me by 100 pounds.

BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE…I CAN SHOOT YOUR WEAVE OFF IF NECESSARY.

Just saying…