Men Do Stupid Stuff Part Deux

Love my husband.

LOVE HIM.

I married him AND I was sober.

Seriously I do but sometimes he drives me nuts.

Ella is now going to preschool in another county where we really don’t know anyone. Which is really no big deal except for the fact that the teachers  don’t know that I am married to a ding dong and that Ella nor I can really help it.

Ella has been bringing Dr. Seuss books home with an accompanying stuffed animal so we can sit down nightly and read a story.

A certain stuffed animal has come up missing at the school and no one can remember who was the last to receive it in their backpack. The teacher emailed all parents with a brief note  that said something to the effect of….

“We are missing a stuffed mongoose from the classroom.

Please check around your house to see if you have it and return to school please.

Thanks!”

Simple enough.

Little did I know when I filled out all those forms the first day of school they would actually email him instead of me….but they did.

And this was his reply…

“Ella brought home a live opossum. We haven’t returned him yet as he is not house broken.

Thanks.

Rico.”

Swears.

We haven’t had a reply from the school.

Guess who has to pick her up every day?

I am so embarrassed.

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Derby and Treading Water

Derby week in Kentucky is a fabulous time. Everyone is trying to figure out which horse they’re betting on, which hat they’re wearing, whose Derby party they’re attending and making sure they have all the ingredients for a Mint Julep.

It has been pouring rain here in the Bluegrass since Friday but for a few minutes on Saturday afternoon, the sun broke through and we all got to sing “My Old Kentucky Home” with a little sun on our faces.

This Derby has been bittersweet for me in that severe flooding has occurred in Kentucky as well as in Tennessee.

Many people have died. People are stranded due to flooded highways and interstates. Homes have been evacuated.

Kinda puts things into perspective.

My husband has been out since early this morning….working claims, helping people move furniture out of flooded basements and tonight, helping a good friend salvage his belongings before his house is taken over by the Green River.

The water is so high they had to canoe to his house.

Things can be replaced. Houses can be rebuilt.

People can not.

I pray tonight that all these guys are safe…especially mine.

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Why I should have learned Spanish

This is my 3 year old, Ella.

A.K.A. Ella Bella, The Puddin’ Pop or The Turd.

Thanks to Dora, Ella speaks alot of Spanish and that’s great because being bilingual will greatly enhance her employablilty later in life.

However, here in my Casa, we don’t speak el Spanish.

My Spanish vocabulary is limited to: Taco, Enchilada, Burrito and Tequila.

People, I have my priorities straight.

For the last couple weeks, Ella has been saying “Asshole” and every time she says it, I fuss at her, wash her mouth out with soap and tell her she is going to hell.

Well, not really. But I do fuss at her and tell her it’s not a nice word and to please not repeat it, especially in front of Nana.

PLEASE LORD, NOT IN FRONT OF NANA!!

Much to my dismay, she kept saying it over and over and over.

Yesterday while she was watching Dora, I overheard her repeat a word in Spanish…and it sounded just like “asshole.”

For the last two weeks I have been emotionally scarring my three year old for saying a Spanish word.

And if I knew what word she was actually saying it would be a whole lot easier to plead my case with her therapist in about twenty years but I guess I will just have to say, “NO COMP-RAY-HEN-DAY AMIGO.”

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Quite a conundrum…

First of all, let me just start out this post by saying, hold yourself back ladies, he’s all mine.

After reading this post, I may have some serious competition.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can get right down to business.

There are many things about this man I don’t understand and perhaps those are the things that keep the spark alive. The mysterious things about each other that keep you intrigued, wanting you to learn more about each other and to grow closer.

This post isn’t about one of those things.

You see, my husband has a nice belly button.

It’s not an outie.

It’s not too big nor too small.

It’s akin to Baby Bear’s soup…just right.

However, there is one conundrum about said belly button.

It is always filled with lint. Like, every time he takes off his shirt. The amount of lint that comes out of this man’s belly button is astonishing.

I mean, I’ve had a belly button my entire life and not once, NOT ONCE, have I ever, ever had lint in there.

EVER.

In amazement, I asked him, “Where does all that lint come from?”

“My shirt,” he replied, “my belly button gets hungry.”

“You mean you are trying to tell me your belly button gets hungry and tries to eat your shirt?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

What the?

At this rate, I’m getting worried his shirts are gonna start having ginormous holes front and center from said “hungry” belly button.

And what happens to all this lint? Where does it go?

Does it accumulate under the bed like dust bunnies?

Will I be overtaken at some point by the navel lint monster?

UGGGHHH!

I told him I could be dutiful housewife, save said lint, spool it into yarn and knit him a scarf.

He told me that was the most disgusting thing he had ever heard.

I mean, Billy Bob wore Angelina’s blood around his neck…what’s a little navel lint?

The funny thing is he actually thinks I’m serious.

Which is why I’m gonna pretend to go around saving it and then wrap up some hideous, homemade, Angora scarf for Christmas and totally convince him it’s from his belly button lint.

Epic.

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What I’ve learned in 20 years

Soon I will be attending my 10, 15  20 year high school reunion.

Holy Ritz Cracker.

Where did the years go?

Twenty years ago, my life was rather simple.

The only stressors in my life were:

1. What dress to wear to prom?

2. Which tanning bed would get me the best tan in time for prom?

3. Who I was going out with Friday and Saturday night?

4. How to tell my parents I had crashed yet another car.

5. Which college to attend based not on their academic accolades but which had the best social life.

Important stuff people!!

But looking back over the last 20 years and viewing 18 years olds these days, I can see I really was stupid. After marrying, divorcing, marrying again, having two beautiful daughters, living with a debilitating illness and just simply growing up, I wish I could have talked to my stupid self 20 years ago.

This is what I would have said…

1. Basking in the sun with baby oil and iodine sounds like a fabulous idea, especially when you lay out on the roof to maximize it’s effect while skipping school, but 20 years from now you will find freckles, age spots, wrinkles and that huge skin cancer on your back. It will cost you a fortune to remove the age spots and freckles, the wrinkles will not make you look sophisticated, and Botox/Restylene is expensive. Skin cancer can kill you. Please wear sunscreen everyday.

2. The really hot guys who really have no direction in life at 25 will also have no direction in life at 45. If his only ambition is to install car stereo’s in his momma’s garage, he’s not for you. Stay away from him and all the others like him unless you are prepared to support them for the rest of your life. They will bleed you financially and emotionally the rest of your life.  

3. Most of the cool kids in high school that picked on the quiet nerds? Those nerds end up signing their paychecks. I bet Bill Gates loves going to his high school reunion. Those kids that were quiet and studious just learned early that being different is cool. You should try to have their self esteem.

4. Some of those quiet kids in school that no one understood were different because their home life was horrible and they needed you to reach out to them but you were to selfish to realize that. Realize that you are not the center of the universe. Realize that everyone is not as fortunate as you.

5. Being a cheerleader or a beauty queen never really gets you anywhere in life. No one will ever ask you in a job interview if you can do a back handspring. This I promise.

6. Studying and working hard gets you everywhere. There are no shortcuts in life. You may read the Cliff Notes but you still don’t know the whole story.

7. You may not know at 18 what you want to do for the rest of your life and that’s OK…you may not know until you’re 38 or 48 or 58. Sometimes you may never know. The important thing is you know who you are and what you stand for.

8. Not everyone can be doctors or lawyers and that doesn’t make you any lesser than a person. Blue collar workers are the backbone of our country. Not everyone can be great but you can be great at what you do.

9. Pick a career that makes you happy and fulfills you, no matter what the pay. If you enjoy what you do, the money will come.

10. You, yourself are enough. You don’t need someone else to make you happy. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else.

11. You can’t fix someone else’s problems, so don’t waste your time.

12. Always take time for yourself. Learn to enjoy time alone. Be happy in your solitude. You can be your best company.

13. Always take time for your girlfriends. Don’t flake out on them when a new guy comes along. Don’t forget about them when you get busy with your new baby. You need them and they need you. They will be there for you when your whole world falls apart and you will need them to help you pick up the pieces.

14. Tell the truth, even when it isn’t in your best interest. Even when it means everyone else thinks your crazy…or a bitch…or stupid. You will sleep well at night knowing you did the right thing.

14. Keep your word. Do what you say and mean it.

15. Before you marry you should experience three situations with your significant other:

A. You both should take care of each other during a bout with the stomach virus. Nothing brings out the worse in people than diarrhea and vomiting.

B. Go on vacation and work through a difficult situation like losing your luggage. Knowing how your partner handles the simple stresses in life will give you an idea how he/she will handle your relationship.

C. Let them meet your entire extended family, even the ones that you don’t claim.

16. Learn to laugh at yourself and don’t take yourself too seriously. It really does look funny when you fall down the steps. Laugh and laugh hard.Life is too short to be a stick in the mud.

17. Regrets are a waste of time.

18. Real love is fireworks. If you don’t feel it, it’s not right. Don’t let anyone tell you different and don’t settle.

19. Don’t let fear hold you back.

20. Stop using all that hairspray. You’re really destroying the ozone layer at break neck speed and big hair really doesn’t flatter you anyway.

But most of all, I’ve learned that love, family, friends and health are the cake of your life. The rest are just icing.

And my cake taste great.

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I am in hell and yes, it has froze over

School has been out again for inclement weather. This year has been loaded with days out of school. I think we are around eleven so far.

Snow Days are God’s funny way of weeding out the weaklings among us mothers. It’s a proven fact that there are more mental health admissions of women with children during inclement weather.

I already have my hospital bed picked out.

During the summer when the kids are home, I can send them outside and lock the door. Every now and then, I will throw them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and they can drink from the water hose.

Certain government agencies get all pissy when you do that in the winter. Something about frostbite, frozen water, child abuse and all kinds of other crap that is really a bunch of hooey. So, to stay out of jail, I keep them in the house.

After a while, I tend to get in the bed, assume the fetal position, cover my head and let the chips fall where they may. It gets to the point I can no longer break up the fights, pick up anymore bologna off the floor or fish toys out of the toilet. I simply raise the white flag and take a mental retreat to my happy place.

This is what I was doing last week when Ella decided to “brush her teeth.” And as I was drifting far away to that wonderful place of nannies and housekeepers and beach villas, I remember briefly asking myself, “What in the world could she hurt in the bathroom?”

After a few minutes I realized the house was very, very quite except for the sound of running water and I got a very sick feeling in my stomach.

I ran to the bathroom and found Ella has not only brushed her teeth but squeezed a whole tube of red toothpaste all over the bathroom…

Notice there is a pitcher and a big kitchen spoon in my bathroom? Apparently Ella thought they were necessary for proper dental hygiene.

Awwwww, children do the darnedest things.

Also note this wet roll of toilet paper. It was the LAST ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN MY HOUSE.

It’s without saying that I totally lost my shizzola. I mean, I got the vapors and everything.If it wasn’t for divine intervention my youngest would have talked with a stutter for a long, long time.

As I write this post, it is snowing yet again. Mr. Happy Ass Needs to Be Run Over Weatherman says we are getting 4 inches. This means school will be out AGAIN for several days.

Lucky for me, I will be at Our Lady of Peace.

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Liar, Liar

I lie to my kids.

Like, every other breath.

It’s become a necessary evil to make my life a little easier and because I hate being the bad guy all the time.

Why say “No” when you can come up with a creative excuse?

For instance, my kids ask to go to the Wally World every day in hope that I will buy them more useless crap to clutter my house. Ninety percent of the time I just flat out say no but the other ten percent is what I like to call Creative Solutions for Defusing Mother’s Meltdown in Commerce.

Everyone knows the superstore giant is closed only one day of the year.

However, my children are not aware of this.

Here are some excuses I have told my children as to why Wally World is closed:

1. They’re painting the walls in the toy section.

2. They’re having a mandatory in-service on their failure to open all the cash register lines.

3. It’s Sam Walton’s birthday.

4. They’re closed on all red letter holidays just like the post office.

5. The People of Walmart are taking pictures there today.

6. They’re waxing the floors.

7. Someone drove through the tire/lube department by accident.

8. The bank wasn’t open and they couldn’t get money to make change for customers.

9. One of the birds that flew around the ceiling was found dead so they have to make sure it doesn’t have bird flu.

10. Someone stole all the carts.

So far they’ve believed me because I am their mother and I am not supposed to lie.

(Cough, cough, cough.)

I’m pretty sure they’re gonna have pretty high therapy bills by the time I get them raised.

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Mysterious Messages

 I survived the snow storm.

As usual, it was a lot of hype and not the major storm they predicted. The snow was beautiful and the roads were a little tricky for a few days but no one had to survive on Beenie Weenies due to the lack of milk and bread.

And we can all say an “Amen” for that.

We did venture out and enjoy the wintery landscapes.

The above picture was taken on a part of the farm known as the “Milt” place.

Forever I thought everyone was saying the “Milk” place. I imagined an old dairy farm…an old country store that sold milk.

But no.

Apparently someone named Milt owned the farm years ago…Duh.

Sometimes things go right through the hairspray with me.

The Milt place is not easily accessible. It’s not off the main road or even off a side road. It’s very off the beaten path. The front access is by a hidden trail and the back is across a creek.

Not a lot of people know about the Milt place. It’s very isolated.

So anyhoo, we traveled down to the Milt place, which consists of a large wooded area full of hardwood trees with a large open field that is a great place for watching deer and other wildlife. On past that ,you enter into what I call the “pine tree forest” which consists of a narrow trail into hundreds of full grown pines. The trees are so dense that it’s like walking into another world.

It’s my favorite place on the farm.

Once into the forest you venture across two abandoned structures. All that remains of the first structure is a  large mound of stones left from a fireplace from many years ago.

This is the second structure.

Beautiful.

Upon a closer look I noticed this….

Sometime in the last half year or so, someone has walked for miles with paint cans and paint brushes to write a poetic message on an old abandoned house. Who has been wondering in our woods and why?

Strange and creepy.

This is why us country people carry guns.

Even stranger was this cryptic message I received from the Sirius satellite receiver…

I don’t know about the first message but the second one I’m sure was meant for me.

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Snow Daze

We are anticipating the arrival of the biggest snow storm we’ve had in 30 years.

Hootervillians are excited and nervous and buying milk and bread at break neck speed. Schools have already shut down to avoid transportation problems later in the day. Sleds and inner tubes are being readied. Boots, gloves and hats are being located.

Mothers are getting medicated and drunk.

When I was in first grade we had a major snow storm which closed the school systems for a month. Yes, a MONTH.

I spent the whole month playing in the snow with my feet wrapped in three pair of socks, plastic bread bags (to help keep the snow out), boots and five layers of clothes. We built snowmen, had snow ball fights, sledded and ran in and out of the house in wet clothes fifty times a day.

After a few weeks, the school system started mailing assignments to everyone at home to keep from getting so behind in the school year.

My brother and I played, yelled, fought and ate everything in the house…including all the bread and milk.

My poor mother not only had to feed us ten times a day, dry our snow clothes countless times but then had to homeschool us.

It was soon after I think my mom secretly had a tubal.

Today is first day of school being out for snow.

As God as my witness, if I am home with these kids a month I will need much more than a tubal.

 I will need a lobotomy.

To celebrate/mourn the impending snow storm, I’m sharing with you a tradition from my mom.

SNOW CREAM

1 gallon fresh “clean” snow-this means no yellow/brown snow

2 tsp vanilla

1 pinch salt

1 cup sugar

3/4 half and half or whipping cream

Mix all ingredients well and place into freezer until firm.

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Crack is Whack

This is your child on eggs.

This is your child on eggs and crack.

Any questions?

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