I haven’t blogged for awhile now…alright, so I haven’t blogged for several months. It’s not that I didn’t have any nonsense to add to the world wide web it’s just that between my health issues, things going on with the kids and my families hell bent mission to send me to the nuthouse, my brain was fried.
My husband likes it when I channel my creative side/neurosis on my blog because frankly, it whittles down the number of crazy phone conversations I have with him during the day….”Honey, did you see that drunk moose in the tree on the news? How do you think a moose opens a beer can cause like, they don’t have thumbs? And do you think if he had Patron does he want to take his antlers off? ” Which then leads me to signing that crazy song “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Come Off” for the next several hours and it’s not really appropriate to sing around a 4 year old. I speak from experience. They always repeat that crap at the most embarrassing time.
In an effort to get me blogging again, the hubs bought me a desk and a new computer and placed it in a semi-quiet place in the house. However, no place in this house is sacred enough to be free of Kool-aid or “wipe my butt” requests…but I will try.
After all this time I wondered if anyone even came around to this site to visit in my absence. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. Several of you are checking in periodically…sending me emails to see if I died, etc. I also discovered that a lot of people are clicking in via google searches for different things that are just down right hilarious. Seems if you search different phrases you will be directed here for related content. Here’s some of the searches that brought people to my neurotic site and my response to them….
1. My Sugar Daddy wants me to wear stripper heels…Yes he does honey. You are a gold digger. It’s your job to do what he wants in order to receive your gold. Did you honestly think he wanted you to dance on that pole with orthotics? It’s just not a good look. And honestly, all men want us to wear the stripper heels. They don’t have to be rich.
2. Southern Girls gone wild…Similar to the regular Girls Gone Wild but with girls lifting their camouflage and rebel flag t-shirts to show the goods. The girls that are kissing each other are really first cousins and the stripper pole is waxed with lard.
3. Ear Wax Fetish…Seriously, if you have an ear wax fetish you will not find what you need here. Try hanging out at the ENT’s office or a psychiatrist. If it was a belly button lint fetish I might could do something for you. Sorry.
4. Southern Sasquatch…This I can help you with because I have seen the southern sasquatch. It was yesterday in the parking garage of Vanderbilt Medical Center. I was waiting at the valet parking counter and there it was. It went by twice. Once with a sweater covering it’s belly and once just baring all. It must be some type of mating signal.
5. So Many Chicks so little time…I’m pretty sure I know who wrote this. I have a friend who is a lifelong bachelor and aficionado of woman. His job requires him to travel the world. Maybe he needs some help with time management. The only advice I have for him is one woman at a time. You are getting older. I don’t think your heart can take it anymore.
6. Confucius Boobs…Seriously, a search for a wise woman with large breasts or an actual picture of Confuscious’ boobs? I am confused. Whoever searched this, you are a freak.
7. Hot wife Sex Slave…Alright, you caught me. That is who I really am. Especially when you find me plunging one of toilets or taking out the trash in my yoga pants and stained t-shirt. I am sex-say….and probably stinking from being hot.
8. Person with full diaper….People really searched for this and found me. Is it because I am a pro at diaper changing or that I am basically full of shit. Probably both.