After five years, I can still make him blush

I have to confess that I have very little patience, especially for time wasted.

I have things to do. People to see. Kids to beat. Dinner to whip up. Laundry to wash.

People, do not be wasting my time.

This past weekend, Rico and I were going out to celebrate our anniversary. He had called and made overnight arrangements for Ella and since Rachel was gone for the evening, that meant we were actually going to have a whole evening out.  A night to include an adult beverages, no cutting anyone’s meat, the wearing of a push-up bra and lots of stripper smelling lotion from Victoria Secret. I even threw in a pair of heels for good luck.

Someone was getting lucky tonight.

 Before we could leave on our rendezvous, we had to make a trip to a large home improvement store to purchase blinds.

Sounds easy enough? But NO.

You see, Saturday was rumored to be the last nice day of the season and apparently a lot of said home improvement store employees called in, ehhhmmm, “sick” Saturday thus creating an overload of work for the remaining few employees that actually showed.

It was like Senior Skip Day in high school…but like with sick days and retirement.

Anyway, I needed blinds. Custom cut blinds. And since I was raised Southern and polite and all that crap, I asked for help and waited. Smiling sweetly….cause that’s what us southern girls are supposed to do…ladaladaladalada…..yes, ma’am and all that baloney.

I waited….and waited.  I politely asked again and waited. I smiled and said things like “thank you” and such. Employees kept walking by, occasionally trying to call for help. After awhile they just started to ignore me.

30 minutes….tick, tock, tick, tock.

I am still smiling sweetly but there is steam coming outta my ears.

Daylight was wasting and I had to come up with a plan.

What to do???

And then it came to me! You know how they have a gazillion security cameras in that place like someones gonna try to put a table saw down their britches, well, I figured if they saw me all sprawled out in the aisle like I was dead or having some kind of convulsion, someone would come see what was wrong with me and get my blinds fixed…PRONTO….because I am either very medically ill or very mentally ill, either way, they would want me gone.

So I did it. I sprawled my sweet southern ass right there in the window treatment aisle of the large home improvement store aisle.

My husband thought I had lost my mind.

After telling me to get my you know what outta the floor, Rico let me know that he didn’t think it was to funny…seems he doesn’t share my sense of humor/intelligence/wittiness/charm/mischievous attitude.

It was still worth making him blush.

Thanks for 5 amazing years, I promise I will embarrass you even more on our 10th.

Love,

SFM

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Things I did this summer instead of blogging

Since Blogher has removed my advertising and because I am getting accosted by the locals due to my hiatus, I have returned to the blogging world.

And since I have returned, surely this is worth a free 6 inch Cold Cut Combo at Subway?

Huh, Shelia?

Huh????

Anyhoo.

This summer has been trying to say the least. There are many things going on health wise.  We are also are in the middle of a home remodel, which I will expand on in some later post…cause you all know Rico had to put his own little flair on it just to drive me nuts.

I am just glad to be back! I plan on blogging at least two, if not three times a week. I will post links to my Facebook page to keep you all updated or you can join my RSS feed above and be notified in your email box.

So, you ask? What was I doing all summer that I couldn’t take a couple minutes to post on my blog??

1. I decided to take a sabbatical to master the art of cooking the perfect homemade pizza. I have succeeded. It is one of the reasons I have gained 10 pounds. I will share the recipe with you soon but your hips will curse my name forever.

2. I had to wear a Nacho Libre suit most of the summer to break up the wrestling matches between my two heathen daughters. And let me be the first to tell you, girls fight dirty. I only had to tap out twice to Rico and that was for a pee break and a ham sammich.

3. I went to watch a Roller Derby match and I instantly knew I missed my calling in life. If I was only 10 years younger, I would change my name to Blondie DaButcherKnife and it would be on like Donkey Kong.

4. I saw Jimmy Buffett in concert and have spent the rest of the summer trying to persuade my husband into selling all our earthly possessions and becoming beach bums in Key West. I have it all planned out. He can bartend and I will open a hot dog stand on Duval Street called “I Dream of Weenie”. How could it not work?

5. I have also spent the summer arguing with my husband that I do not have delusions of grandeur, that I do not need medication and that I am stable enough to drive and keep the children by myself. I also do not know why he always feels the need to smell my drinks.  Seriously, he gets on my nerves with all this responsibility crap.

6. I almost converted to Catholicism in an airport in Rochester, Minnesota. I would spill the beans about this story but it is too good not to make it into a regular post. All I will say is that is involves a priest, a cell phone, David Beckham and me.

7. Since my children have argued about everything this summer from who has biggest booger to who has the most marshmallows in their cereal, I have built a shrine to my now defunct uterus and sing praise and worship hymns to my sterility.

Love,

SFM

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