I used to daydream.
What I wanted to be when I grew up. Where I wanted to go. Who I wanted to be.
Like, in first grade, I wanted to be Dorothy Hamill.
Then I went ice skating and realized it was nothing like roller skating.
After falling on my butt a hundred times, I came to the conclusion that crap was harder than it looked, the Dorothy hairstyle made me look like a dork, and since I was well into my “chubby” phase of life, the leotards were not that flattering on me.
That dream went up in smoke faster than you can say Cheech and Chong.
Other dreams came and went.
Being picked to be in a music video…like Courtney Cox in that Bruce Springsteen video?
Yeah, that would be my one way ticket out of this one horse town.
Or being a Fly Girl on in Living Color?
But yet again, reality slapped me across the face when I realized I would never have a J Lo booty and my dance skills looked like a cat having a seizure.
So, I lowered the bar.
I came up with a dream that required absolutely no talent, just luck.
I started playing the lottery. Playing mainly when the Lotto reached gazillions of dollars.
Cause who wants to just win a mil? After taxes, it’s like nothing. I needed big money to fulfill my dreams.
Big house, big pool, cabana.
Yeah, having a pool boy was my ticket.
Finding the right pool boy would be my only dilemma.
And so after watching Ricky Martin sing Livin’ La Vida Loca at the Grammys years ago, I had my cabana boy picked out.
Dark, tall, handsome.
He could sing me songs while he was slathering me with oil.
Today, Ricky announced he was living his life as a “fortunate homosexual man.”
And though I’m happy for him, my dream has died.
I am 38 and have no hope for a Latin pool boy.
Rico has promised to sport a banana hammock and fan me with palm leaves when my winning ticket comes in,but it’s just not the same.
R.I.P Ricky the Pool Boy.
First of all, let me just start out this post by saying, hold yourself back ladies, he’s all mine.
After reading this post, I may have some serious competition.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can get right down to business.
There are many things about this man I don’t understand and perhaps those are the things that keep the spark alive. The mysterious things about each other that keep you intrigued, wanting you to learn more about each other and to grow closer.
This post isn’t about one of those things.
You see, my husband has a nice belly button.
It’s not an outie.
It’s not too big nor too small.
It’s akin to Baby Bear’s soup…just right.
However, there is one conundrum about said belly button.
It is always filled with lint. Like, every time he takes off his shirt. The amount of lint that comes out of this man’s belly button is astonishing.
I mean, I’ve had a belly button my entire life and not once, NOT ONCE, have I ever, ever had lint in there.
In amazement, I asked him, “Where does all that lint come from?”
“My shirt,” he replied, “my belly button gets hungry.”
“You mean you are trying to tell me your belly button gets hungry and tries to eat your shirt?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”
At this rate, I’m getting worried his shirts are gonna start having ginormous holes front and center from said “hungry” belly button.
And what happens to all this lint? Where does it go?
Does it accumulate under the bed like dust bunnies?
Will I be overtaken at some point by the navel lint monster?
I told him I could be dutiful housewife, save said lint, spool it into yarn and knit him a scarf.
He told me that was the most disgusting thing he had ever heard.
I mean, Billy Bob wore Angelina’s blood around his neck…what’s a little navel lint?
The funny thing is he actually thinks I’m serious.
Which is why I’m gonna pretend to go around saving it and then wrap up some hideous, homemade, Angora scarf for Christmas and totally convince him it’s from his belly button lint.
Soon I will be attending my 10, 15 20 year high school reunion.
Holy Ritz Cracker.
Where did the years go?
Twenty years ago, my life was rather simple.
The only stressors in my life were:
1. What dress to wear to prom?
2. Which tanning bed would get me the best tan in time for prom?
3. Who I was going out with Friday and Saturday night?
4. How to tell my parents I had crashed yet another car.
5. Which college to attend based not on their academic accolades but which had the best social life.
Important stuff people!!
But looking back over the last 20 years and viewing 18 years olds these days, I can see I really was stupid. After marrying, divorcing, marrying again, having two beautiful daughters, living with a debilitating illness and just simply growing up, I wish I could have talked to my stupid self 20 years ago.
This is what I would have said…
1. Basking in the sun with baby oil and iodine sounds like a fabulous idea, especially when you lay out on the roof to maximize it’s effect while skipping school, but 20 years from now you will find freckles, age spots, wrinkles and that huge skin cancer on your back. It will cost you a fortune to remove the age spots and freckles, the wrinkles will not make you look sophisticated, and Botox/Restylene is expensive. Skin cancer can kill you. Please wear sunscreen everyday.
2. The really hot guys who really have no direction in life at 25 will also have no direction in life at 45. If his only ambition is to install car stereo’s in his momma’s garage, he’s not for you. Stay away from him and all the others like him unless you are prepared to support them for the rest of your life. They will bleed you financially and emotionally the rest of your life.
3. Most of the cool kids in high school that picked on the quiet nerds? Those nerds end up signing their paychecks. I bet Bill Gates loves going to his high school reunion. Those kids that were quiet and studious just learned early that being different is cool. You should try to have their self esteem.
4. Some of those quiet kids in school that no one understood were different because their home life was horrible and they needed you to reach out to them but you were to selfish to realize that. Realize that you are not the center of the universe. Realize that everyone is not as fortunate as you.
5. Being a cheerleader or a beauty queen never really gets you anywhere in life. No one will ever ask you in a job interview if you can do a back handspring. This I promise.
6. Studying and working hard gets you everywhere. There are no shortcuts in life. You may read the Cliff Notes but you still don’t know the whole story.
7. You may not know at 18 what you want to do for the rest of your life and that’s OK…you may not know until you’re 38 or 48 or 58. Sometimes you may never know. The important thing is you know who you are and what you stand for.
8. Not everyone can be doctors or lawyers and that doesn’t make you any lesser than a person. Blue collar workers are the backbone of our country. Not everyone can be great but you can be great at what you do.
9. Pick a career that makes you happy and fulfills you, no matter what the pay. If you enjoy what you do, the money will come.
10. You, yourself are enough. You don’t need someone else to make you happy. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else.
11. You can’t fix someone else’s problems, so don’t waste your time.
12. Always take time for yourself. Learn to enjoy time alone. Be happy in your solitude. You can be your best company.
13. Always take time for your girlfriends. Don’t flake out on them when a new guy comes along. Don’t forget about them when you get busy with your new baby. You need them and they need you. They will be there for you when your whole world falls apart and you will need them to help you pick up the pieces.
14. Tell the truth, even when it isn’t in your best interest. Even when it means everyone else thinks your crazy…or a bitch…or stupid. You will sleep well at night knowing you did the right thing.
14. Keep your word. Do what you say and mean it.
15. Before you marry you should experience three situations with your significant other:
A. You both should take care of each other during a bout with the stomach virus. Nothing brings out the worse in people than diarrhea and vomiting.
B. Go on vacation and work through a difficult situation like losing your luggage. Knowing how your partner handles the simple stresses in life will give you an idea how he/she will handle your relationship.
C. Let them meet your entire extended family, even the ones that you don’t claim.
16. Learn to laugh at yourself and don’t take yourself too seriously. It really does look funny when you fall down the steps. Laugh and laugh hard.Life is too short to be a stick in the mud.
17. Regrets are a waste of time.
18. Real love is fireworks. If you don’t feel it, it’s not right. Don’t let anyone tell you different and don’t settle.
19. Don’t let fear hold you back.
20. Stop using all that hairspray. You’re really destroying the ozone layer at break neck speed and big hair really doesn’t flatter you anyway.
But most of all, I’ve learned that love, family, friends and health are the cake of your life. The rest are just icing.
And my cake taste great.