Dear Large Retail Pharmacy Store,

First of all, I would like to thank you for bringing your company to my small town, A.K.A. Hooterville. It is a great convenience for me and other members of my village to have quick access to health care necessities without making the 25 mile drive to the Wally World in the neighboring town.

Although some of your items are pricey, I realize that’s the price of convenience and that you make up for it with the occasional 2 for 1 Maybelline Black Lash Mascara sale that the Wally World never, ever has…and this makes me happy.

‘Cause a girl always needs mascara, especially when she is a fair skinned bottled natural blond.

I am also very happy with the vast inventory your store keeps in stock.

Everything from Tylenol to hemmorroid ointment to tampons to denture cream.

Not that I need denture cream, mind you, but I  am glad to know that if that day comes, it’s right here close to home.

You even carry the seasonal items that I overlook until the last minute, like Valentine’s Day cards. I would have had a very pissed off 11 year old had you not been there for me.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

However, last week when I was in your facility and standing in front of the pharmacy counter, I was put in a very awkward situation with my oldest daughter. Right at eye level was a plethora of adult… ahem, intimacy aides.

It looked like the Hustler store threw up on Hooterville.

So, I’m standing there with 15 people old enough to be my grandmother, humming Bridge Over Troubled Water, staring at the ceiling and sweating so profusely I think I may need to buy some maxi pads for my pits as my 11 year old is reading the label on every sexual aid product in your store.

But the one product that REALLY sparks her interest is this…

Warm Lovin’.

Really?

Although I’m sure Warm Lovin’ is a fantastic product, and feel free to include me on any free sample list, I do not feel comfortable purchasing this product in a display so accessible to my 11 year old.

It would be my suggestion to move said product to the feminine hygiene aisle or hemorrhoid aisle, as those are places she wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Hope you take the suggestions to heart as there are several products I’d like to try soon….like, maybe this weekend.

Your Loyal Customer,

SFM

11 Comments so far

I am in hell and yes, it has froze over

School has been out again for inclement weather. This year has been loaded with days out of school. I think we are around eleven so far.

Snow Days are God’s funny way of weeding out the weaklings among us mothers. It’s a proven fact that there are more mental health admissions of women with children during inclement weather.

I already have my hospital bed picked out.

During the summer when the kids are home, I can send them outside and lock the door. Every now and then, I will throw them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and they can drink from the water hose.

Certain government agencies get all pissy when you do that in the winter. Something about frostbite, frozen water, child abuse and all kinds of other crap that is really a bunch of hooey. So, to stay out of jail, I keep them in the house.

After a while, I tend to get in the bed, assume the fetal position, cover my head and let the chips fall where they may. It gets to the point I can no longer break up the fights, pick up anymore bologna off the floor or fish toys out of the toilet. I simply raise the white flag and take a mental retreat to my happy place.

This is what I was doing last week when Ella decided to “brush her teeth.” And as I was drifting far away to that wonderful place of nannies and housekeepers and beach villas, I remember briefly asking myself, “What in the world could she hurt in the bathroom?”

After a few minutes I realized the house was very, very quite except for the sound of running water and I got a very sick feeling in my stomach.

I ran to the bathroom and found Ella has not only brushed her teeth but squeezed a whole tube of red toothpaste all over the bathroom…

Notice there is a pitcher and a big kitchen spoon in my bathroom? Apparently Ella thought they were necessary for proper dental hygiene.

Awwwww, children do the darnedest things.

Also note this wet roll of toilet paper. It was the LAST ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN MY HOUSE.

It’s without saying that I totally lost my shizzola. I mean, I got the vapors and everything.If it wasn’t for divine intervention my youngest would have talked with a stutter for a long, long time.

As I write this post, it is snowing yet again. Mr. Happy Ass Needs to Be Run Over Weatherman says we are getting 4 inches. This means school will be out AGAIN for several days.

Lucky for me, I will be at Our Lady of Peace.

13 Comments so far

Liar, Liar

I lie to my kids.

Like, every other breath.

It’s become a necessary evil to make my life a little easier and because I hate being the bad guy all the time.

Why say “No” when you can come up with a creative excuse?

For instance, my kids ask to go to the Wally World every day in hope that I will buy them more useless crap to clutter my house. Ninety percent of the time I just flat out say no but the other ten percent is what I like to call Creative Solutions for Defusing Mother’s Meltdown in Commerce.

Everyone knows the superstore giant is closed only one day of the year.

However, my children are not aware of this.

Here are some excuses I have told my children as to why Wally World is closed:

1. They’re painting the walls in the toy section.

2. They’re having a mandatory in-service on their failure to open all the cash register lines.

3. It’s Sam Walton’s birthday.

4. They’re closed on all red letter holidays just like the post office.

5. The People of Walmart are taking pictures there today.

6. They’re waxing the floors.

7. Someone drove through the tire/lube department by accident.

8. The bank wasn’t open and they couldn’t get money to make change for customers.

9. One of the birds that flew around the ceiling was found dead so they have to make sure it doesn’t have bird flu.

10. Someone stole all the carts.

So far they’ve believed me because I am their mother and I am not supposed to lie.

(Cough, cough, cough.)

I’m pretty sure they’re gonna have pretty high therapy bills by the time I get them raised.

11 Comments so far

Mysterious Messages

 I survived the snow storm.

As usual, it was a lot of hype and not the major storm they predicted. The snow was beautiful and the roads were a little tricky for a few days but no one had to survive on Beenie Weenies due to the lack of milk and bread.

And we can all say an “Amen” for that.

We did venture out and enjoy the wintery landscapes.

The above picture was taken on a part of the farm known as the “Milt” place.

Forever I thought everyone was saying the “Milk” place. I imagined an old dairy farm…an old country store that sold milk.

But no.

Apparently someone named Milt owned the farm years ago…Duh.

Sometimes things go right through the hairspray with me.

The Milt place is not easily accessible. It’s not off the main road or even off a side road. It’s very off the beaten path. The front access is by a hidden trail and the back is across a creek.

Not a lot of people know about the Milt place. It’s very isolated.

So anyhoo, we traveled down to the Milt place, which consists of a large wooded area full of hardwood trees with a large open field that is a great place for watching deer and other wildlife. On past that ,you enter into what I call the “pine tree forest” which consists of a narrow trail into hundreds of full grown pines. The trees are so dense that it’s like walking into another world.

It’s my favorite place on the farm.

Once into the forest you venture across two abandoned structures. All that remains of the first structure is a  large mound of stones left from a fireplace from many years ago.

This is the second structure.

Beautiful.

Upon a closer look I noticed this….

Sometime in the last half year or so, someone has walked for miles with paint cans and paint brushes to write a poetic message on an old abandoned house. Who has been wondering in our woods and why?

Strange and creepy.

This is why us country people carry guns.

Even stranger was this cryptic message I received from the Sirius satellite receiver…

I don’t know about the first message but the second one I’m sure was meant for me.

7 Comments so far