The grocery store.
Ughhh.
More like “Let’s drive mom freaking nuts” for an hour.
I had to take them with me today. Them, being the two Tasmanian she-devils I carried in my belly. It was a battle of epic proportions in which I would’ve won, except my grocery store doesn’t have a liquor aisle.
Anyhoo.
I had to get food as we were down to a can of Veg-All, strawberry jelly and a pack of hot dogs. Even the Food Network site can’t even come up with a recipe for that…don’t ask me how I know, it’s just the cold hard facts.
My first mistake, besides taking the children, was to not have a list. Second mistake was not bringing Valium. Third, letting the heathens talk me into using that ginormous grocery cart with the car on front. Never a good idea.
So, we’re shopping and buying crap that we don’t need and I’m letting them by with a little of it just to hurry along the shopping trip. Bread, check. Diet Cokes, check. Chips, check. Brownies, check. La-da-da-la-da.
And then we steer that beast of a cart to the meat department and I know it’s coming. It’s EVERY FREAKING TIME. All hell breaks loose, crap hits the fan and Ella falls out of the car cart smack dab on the floor and has some type of emo-seizure conniption.
For some unknown cosmic reason, my 2 year old has a complete emotional breakdown every time we round the corner into the meat department. EVERY SINGLE TIME PEOPLE.
I don’t know if she is just overstimulated by the site of THAT much bologna or what, but she goes absolutely ape shit and starts whining and screaming, “BA-WON-EY…I WANT IT MOMMA….PEPPA-NONI’S…MOMMA, MOMMA.” She won’t get up…and she’s getting louder and louder….and her sister is waving a industrial size package of Fischer’s in her face just egging it on. I’m sweating and doing that one eye sweep around to see who all is witnessing this momentous moment of motherhood as I point the finger, cuss under my breath and pray the security camera’s aren’t rolling on me as I swat her bottom.
As I was finally leaving the store a elderly woman came up to me and said, “You know, it gets better when they move out.”
Apparently she is senile.
Kiki said,
September 26, 2009 at 10:28 pm:
Wow! I thought my son was the only Tasmanian grocery store devil. He flips out over the free cookies at the bakery. He won’t even touch Ba-Won-Ey. The last one was a nuclear meltdown, full of stomping, fist pumping, laying on the floor, sitting on the floor, arms crossed, and yelling, “you are a horrible mama!” The stares and judgements are enough to send me right out of the store, carrying him kicking and screaming. Take care.
Anne said,
September 26, 2009 at 10:44 pm:
That old lady’s hilarious – my poor parents are dying for the kids to all be gone! We’re 18, 21, and 23 and every once in a while my dad just explode – “When will you people get the hell out of my house!!” He calls me the boomerang daughter because I keep coming back (I just moved out again 3 weeks ago).
Farmchick said,
September 27, 2009 at 7:41 am:
It doesn’t sound like that lady is senile. She knows what she is talking about!
Staci at Just Bloggled said,
September 27, 2009 at 10:48 am:
Maybe the whole family should go vegetarian. At least then you’d avoid the meat department breakdown. Of course, then the kids might go nuts in produce.
AiredaleGirl said,
September 27, 2009 at 2:23 pm:
Speaking as the former Grand Championship Black-belt titleholder of Demonic Spawn of Hooterville, age class 2-7, I promise that Ella will eventually grow out of it. Your sanity might not last that long, though.
Linda in New Mexico said,
September 27, 2009 at 6:35 pm:
I am that senile old lady’s twin. My daughter and her children (ages 5 for devil spawn and 9 for motor mouth) have moved back in with us. The house was quiet for a few years……we thought we were going to enjoy it but….it’s better painted chaos. We like that shade of pale.
Christi said,
September 28, 2009 at 12:45 pm:
The meat department at the grocery store gets us every time too!
Rebecca Powell said,
September 29, 2009 at 10:38 am:
Hilarious! My favorite grocery store episode was at SuperTarget when my then 4-yr. old son, who had just seen a “stranger safety” video, starts screaming his head off when I denied him a toy he wanted: “THIS IS NOT MY MOM! HELP! THIS IS NOT MY MOM!” Boy did I get some looks!
SCollins said,
September 30, 2009 at 5:53 am:
Poor old woman must have had only brats! My daughter (named Rachel, also nicknamed RayRay) went to Ole Miss for 5 years, got married and lives 9 1/2 hours away by car. I still miss her SOOOOOOO much! Enjoy them while you can. Ignore the embarrassing fits and they’ll stop doing it – eventually.
M said,
October 1, 2009 at 6:40 pm:
Every goddamn time I go to the Wal-Martz I swear I’m never taking my kids again.
Belle (from Life of a...) said,
October 3, 2009 at 8:31 am:
I don’t know what I did wrong, but with mine at the ages of 19 and 23 (and basically moved out at least during the school year) it has NOT gotten better. They CALL and have hissy fits over the telephone.
Laura said,
October 3, 2009 at 11:36 pm:
Ah Ella….she makes me smile, only because I am glad it is you and not me this time. I call my children the spawn of Satan and they really “show off” when I decide to take them both shopping!
And my mom says it doesn’t get any better when they move out either……hope our sanity holds out!!
tipper said,
October 11, 2009 at 7:31 am:
I wish I lived close enough to go to the grocery store with you : )
mama-face said,
October 13, 2009 at 8:35 am:
I am the one who freaks out in the meat department. I hate trying to decide what the heck I can cook that week with either hamburger or chicken. All the weird stuff in between confuses me. I know this doesn’t apply to your story; but I’m probably the senile old lady who told you it will get better. Cuz it does. When they get older you won’t even get them through the door of a grocery store if you wanna.