Today I returned to Vanderbilt for a check up with my doctor. One of their new research projects is studying how stress and mental status affect disease.
My doctor told me I would need to see the “disease psychologist” and so I went…only cause they made me.
I was nervous as a cat on crack.The thought of someone sitting across from me, asking me personal questions about the state of my mind, was unnerving. I mean, the man had a yellow note pad and pen and scribbled furiously the whole time going, “Ahem…I see…and how does that make you feel?”
Well, I can just tell you. It made me feel paranoid that he was gonna diagnose me with some type of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” modality and they would take me straight to the locked unit in a straight jacket.
See where I’m going with this…I got issues.
Anyhoo, so I’m talking to Dr. McGoo and I’m trying to act all sane and it all just comes out as being wrong. I’m fidgeting…I’m sweating…I’m doing that thing where I bit my lip when I’m really pissed or nervous.
Then he says to me, “You look really bitchy.”
Uh, excuse me Dude…”Did you say I looked really bitchy?”
“Yes” he replied. “You are a really pretty girl but you come across as bitchy…it would be so much better if you smiled.”
“You just called me bitchy and now your asking me to smile…isn’t that like an oxymoron? And do I have to pay a copay for this professional opinion?”
“Is that how you perceive yourself? As bitchy?”
“Why yes, I do….and thank you for asking.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“It makes me feel like you really wasted your time getting that PhD.”
And so it went on like this for an hour while he’s scratching his pen to the note pad like a cat covering shit. Finally says to me, “Do you think we have a good rapport?”
“It’s kinda like most of the first dates I’ve had…you ask me alot of uncomfortable personal questions and then at the end of it, you call me a bitch? At least then I would get a free meal out of it. You haven’t even offered me a drink. I don’t guess you get many repeat patients?”
He replies, “You’re pretty funny…I like you.”
I’m supposed to be flattered by this.
As I’m leaving I text Rico and said “The disease psychologist just called me bitchy.”
His reply text, “I swear I didn’t call him.”
Seriously, I could have gotten a free diagnosis at home and saved $25.
Heather P. said,
September 10, 2009 at 12:08 am:
Oh dear! How completely unprofessional!!
Kiki said,
September 10, 2009 at 12:16 am:
Great post. Rico’s comment had me LOL. That “disease psychologist” seems like a quack. I just talk to myself and write things down. I am my own therapist. It is a lot cheaper and I hear what I want to hear. Take care.
Belle (from Life of a...) said,
September 10, 2009 at 6:08 am:
oh for goodness sake!!
azn8tive said,
September 10, 2009 at 6:23 am:
Oh my! I can’t believe you stayed.
Yoj said,
September 10, 2009 at 6:44 am:
But, did you ever get to sneak and see what he wrote on his notepad? It could’ve been something like, “Completely normal, Mom behavior.”
Becky said,
September 10, 2009 at 6:47 am:
Was he trying to be funny?!
Cause if he wasn’t…..I would have shown him bitchy!
He’s got a lot of nerve coming out with that diagnosis! Or a death wish, maybe.
Futureblackmail said,
September 10, 2009 at 7:15 am:
I would’ve taken that as a compliment.
“Good, I was going for bitchy and I NAILED it.”
I love your husband’s response. I’m guessing he totally paid for that one later.
Ashley said,
September 10, 2009 at 8:37 am:
Totally love your husband’s response, though the Doc definitely needs to work on his level of professionalism!
mama-face said,
September 10, 2009 at 9:03 am:
a ‘disease psychologist’? or a ‘diseased’ psychologist’? A judgmental psychologist?
Report him if you are so bitchy.
Not that I think you are. When’s the next app’t?
AiredaleGirl said,
September 10, 2009 at 11:53 am:
I diagnose “acute God complex”.
Living proof that the ‘pre-eminent medical centers of the United States’ can employ some absolute morons. Doesn’t this guy have any sense of self-preservation?
Amy said,
September 10, 2009 at 12:05 pm:
OMG – I am laughing – hysterically!
Too Funny!!
I’m so glad I found your site – I can’t wait to hear more about this diagnosis! LOL
Teresa said,
September 10, 2009 at 1:46 pm:
That “doctor” was an @!!!
But he is a man….
justanotherdayinparadise said,
September 10, 2009 at 1:48 pm:
Obviously, this man has a death wish. Rico sounds like my husband. I was a little hormonal this weekend and blurted out, “I hate feeling like a crazy woman!” To which my hubby replied, “I don’t particularly care for it either” as he was cleaning the house. You can’t shoot them if they’re cleaning the house. You just can’t.
farmchick said,
September 10, 2009 at 1:51 pm:
Since Rico went through our local “gifted” class, I am sure he feels confident in giving you a diagnosis. It sounds like two ding dongs to me!
Life Love and Lola said,
September 10, 2009 at 2:54 pm:
LMAO! Rico’s comment…priceless!
M said,
September 10, 2009 at 8:39 pm:
And you notice he said that by text and not to your face.
Buggys said,
September 12, 2009 at 9:25 pm:
What a bizarre way of doctoring. Love your hubby’s response, the man is good! Hey, next time you need to throw away money just call me instead ok? I’ll call you bitchy if that’s what you need!
Mona said,
September 13, 2009 at 3:31 pm:
I think you should post daily because your posts definitely make my day ! LOVE IT !
Laura said,
September 14, 2009 at 1:15 pm:
Priceless!!!! That is all I have to say
hotpants™ said,
September 17, 2009 at 1:04 pm:
I would have left. He could have chosen hundreds of other words. Bitchy? Really?! What an arse.
lindsey said,
September 23, 2009 at 10:56 am:
hahaha doesn’t he know that bitchy* should only be said by the most suicidal maniacs?
don’t know how you stayed…i would have turned into a whirling dervish of pain.
& co-pay be damned.
*an acronym for “Boy, I’m Taking Control Here, Ya-feel-me?”