People, I have a problem.
A real problem.
There is a mouse in my house.
Now I know you are all thinking this is NO BIG DEAL. That I live out in the sticks and this is just a way of life in Hooterville.
But that’s where you’re all wrong.
I have deep psychological issues people.
When I was just a kid, my mother spotted a mouse sitting on the back of the coach and decided to take the broom and whack the crap out of it. Well, that would have been a GREAT idea had I known what the crap was going on. So one minute I’m sitting there eating my Cheez Whiz and Doritos and the next I am being attacked with a broom by my mother and a mouse is flying through the air.
It scared me. I mean, to this day, I can not eat Cheez Whiz without breakin’ out in a cold sweat.
Fast forward several years, I’m 24 and having to stay alone in my house. It’s late…dark…quiet. All of the sudden, I could hear the little suckers scratchin’ in my kitchen…looking for my Doritos, no doubt. I would get up and beat around and then they would stop…but then start again…louder and louder. I just knew one of them was gonna get in my bed.
So, I did the most rational thing I could think of….I slept in my car for two days until the sucker was caught.
Tonight I am here with Ella. Rico has left to go coon hunting. He has left me all alone in this house with a freaking mouse so he can go watch a bunch of dogs chase raccoons up a tree.
What he should really be doing is hunting down that mouse in this three story house so I don’t pack up his daughter and sleep in the SUV.
Every now and then, Rico has to put on a swanky suit and head to the big city for an important bid’ness meeting. Sometimes I’ll tag along and he’ll drop me off at the mall where I’ll proceed to help out the nation’s economic slump.More often than not, I stay home and slave away with household chores, referee the children or just lay out at the pool….cause that’s my job.
I have to admit that when he tarries into the big city without me, I’m insanely jealous. I love going to the big city. It’s such a different world than Hooterville. The shopping…the restaurants…bookstores. I love the hustle and bustle of the big city.
Big Daddy Rico knows I get a little melancholy when he goes away and he always tries to cheer me up with a gift when he comes home. It can be something as simple as a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts (ahhh…heaven!!!) or a book I’ve been wanting to read.
He’s sooooo thoughtful.
But every now and then, he REALLY out does himself…bringing home a lethal combination no matter which way you look at it….
SLIDERS AND PANTIES.
Last week, a couple of my girlfriends and I decided to take the kids to the condo for a few days of fun and sun on the beach. It should have been a pleasant, joyful time for us all.
It was not.
The kids were wild…they bickered..they drove us absolutely nuts.
After four days, we packed our stuff and came home.
Now mind you, the ride home wasn’t much better. The kids were wild…they bickered…they drove us absolutely nuts AND our fuses were shot.
Traffic through Montgomery, Alabama was horrid and we tried to allude a 3 hour traffic jam by taking a side road. The problem was everyone else had the same idea. People were tired, in a hurry, and generally pissed off.
While going through a green light, a Lincoln Navigator barrelled through the turning lane, illegally going through the light and cutting in front of me, missing my vehicle by inches.
Needless to say, I was pissed and I blared the horn.
Well, ”Miss Thang” decided to jump out of her SUV and proceed to call me everything but a dirty white girl.
Words were exchanged..most of them not so nice…and then she told me to get “my white ass” out of my vehicle.
Oh, yes…she did.
As my friend,who weighs 98 pounds soaking wet, gets out of the car to “get my back”, I loudly asked for her to “GET MY GUN!”
And magically, ”Miss Thang” got her ass back in the vehicle and left.
I may talk slow and with a drawl. My hair may be big and blond. I may carry a fabulous purse.
You may outweigh me by 100 pounds.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE…I CAN SHOOT YOUR WEAVE OFF IF NECESSARY.
I try to raise my daughters to be lady like…I really do. I will admit to occasionally burping in front of them but other than that, I don’t fart, pick my nose, chew with my mouth open or pick wedgies out of my butt.
Well, I do one of those things…but I’m not telling which one.
Anyhoo, yesterday we were riding in the car when my 2 year old announces…
“I FARTED…HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYBODY!!!!”
And then she proceeds to sing the Happy Birthday song.
I was speechless. We are definitely investing in charm school.
Lately my posts have been infrequent. My mother had back surgery 5 weeks ago and has suffered a mysterious complication that has also affected three other women who had neurosurgery the same day at the same hospital. No one knows what exactly is wrong with my mother but she has suffered greatly these past weeks and I have been busy helping her as much as I can.
Also, as some you may know, I suffer from Crohn’s Disease and Sjogrens Syndrome and have taken a leave from work since the first of May. I had hoped to be back and at ‘em by now but that is not the case. I have had to resign from my job due to my illness. It has been a huge decision for me as I have always worked. Since the age of 14, I have known nothing else. My new role as a “housewife and stay at home” mother has been a huge adjustment for me emotionally. I’ve always prided myself on being an independent working women and then suddenly, I’m not. I know things happen for a reason and it will be fine but I’m scared of my new role. The plus side is that I have gotten to spend some quality time with my girls this summer and we have both enjoyed that immensely.
I will get back writing more as I feel myself coming out of this lull. I appreciate all who have emailed,wondering where I’ve been and if things are alright.
My friend Katie invited us to her parents farm for a cookout over the 4th of July. It was there that they shared with me the greatest summertime drink I’ve had in a long time. I thought it only fitting that I share the love with all of you…
2 pounds blackberries (you may substitute lemons, raspberries, cherries, etc. If using lemons, use zest only)
1 quart clear grain alcohol, such as vodka or rum
6 cups of purified water
2 1/2 cups cane or granulated sugar
Place blackberries and liquor in a tightly sealed jar or bottle large enough to accommodate at least a quart of liquid.
Place container in a cool, dar and dry place for at least 3 to 5 days. Shake the jar at least twice a day. If using lemons, the zest will turn white when flavoring is done. Strain the fruit from the liquid through a fine sieve or coffee filter; discard the fruit and set aside flavored liquor.
Place 6 cups of purified water in a saucepan over low heat, and add sugar. Heat, stirring occasionally, until sugar dissolves and syrup is clear.
Cool syrup to room temperature and mix with liquor. Strain the sweetened liquor through several changes of coffee filters, and store in tightly sealed bottles in the refrigerator. Chill and enjoy. Makes about 2 1/2 quarts.
Sunday afternoon Rico was on the phone talking away about this and that when I heard him exclaimed adamantly, “Gotta go…somethings come up!”
Next thing I know, he is running out the door, shotgun in hand.
What could fathom such an emergency!!!!!!
Skunks…..in my yard.
“Run, Rico, run…save this damsel from the skunks!”
“Oh, my hero…so big and strong…and carrying such a big gun!”
Then my valiant prince returns home, fresh from the kill…with the faint smell of pole cat on his skin….and asked for his reward for saving this damsel from weeks of the putrid aroma of skunk.
Ya’ll can guess what he wanted…but I made him shower first.
Today the good people at The Rising Blogger showcased me as blogger of the day. I was elated, thrilled and shocked. Not because I don’t think I’m absolutely hilarious…cause I have conversations with myself all day long and I can guarantee you, I laugh my ass off much to the dismay of people around me. I’m the funniest person I know.
Since I like to toot my own horn, I’ll share a tidbit of what these delusional wonderful people had to say about me…
“The beauty of Dejoni’s writing about her day-to-day struggles and joys is deceptively obvious: She is a twenty-first century “everywoman,” a modern-day Erma Bombeck, a southern-based variation on Garrison Keillor. As she blogs about life in Hooterville where, on some days, she survives it all only through Divine Intervention or the “Custom Deluxe” redneck truckher husband bought, she is speaking our all of our lives. Only the geography and names are different. She is blogging about life in a quintessentially American family. We can all relate to her tales of domestic tribulations because we’ve experienced our own as we keep it real in our own home towns just as she keeps it real in Hooterville. For that reason, Dejoni’s truly a “national treasure” and it is fitting that she receive the Post of the Day Award on the brink of the most American of all celebrations, the Fourth of July.b
Now I’ve been telling Rico for years that I was all that AND a bag of chips but he just laughed at my delusions of grandeur. Now I have PROOF that I’m full of fabulosity. It’s written on the internet for evermore and it’s time that he starts bowing down and respecting my AUTHOR-I-TAY!
As a “national treasure”, it’s really BENEATH me to do a whole boat load of tasks. Cooking….too good for it. Cleaning…too good for it. Back porch wiping…don’t think so..as if any “national treasure” would lower themselves to hiney wiping a 2 year old.
Now if I could just get Rico to understand that my body is a national landmark instead of the amusement park he’s been playing on, we might come to an understanding.
(I would like to say a big “thank you” to the great people at The Rising Blogger for the feature post.)