Holy Ritz Cracker. What a day.
Today was actually a day I thought I felt up to keeping both the children at home with me alone which I haven’t been able to do lately due to my illness. I think I just had a brain fart. It was such a bad idea.
First of all, the home health nurse came to give me the first dose of my new high tech alien made makes you grow a third nipple medication and bless her heart, while she was mixing it up, Ella was hotlapping the living room naked from the waste down. This was after she came into my kitchen to find an army of ants invading my counter tops and an empty beer can on the back porch.
I’m expecting a visit from social services.
The nurse left after finally making enough notes in my chart to warrant permanent removal of my children from my home when Numero Uno Emo Daughter emerges from bedroom expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
So, being the fabulous mother that I am, I fixed her a gourmet breakfast of Fruit Loops sans milk. She gets all bent out of shape because I didn’t put milk in it. Seeing as I had no milk I try to weasel some new fad explaination that all the “cool” kids don’t have milk in their cereal and that whole “Got Milk” campaign is really so 2008.
She doesn’t buy it and I am greeted by the first of many “GRRRRR’s” of the day.
Quiet ensues for 28.2 seconds.
I hear the birds sing and a loud diesel truck roar past the house.
Green Acres…is the place to be….
Then in the time that it takes to say a simple prayer, my 11 year old occasionally sweet as sugar, innocent, lovely daughter and my 2 year old Irish love child commence to start a fight to rival an Ohio Valley wrestling match that ended with the 2 year old Nacho Libre not only biting her sister but pissing on her belly with a full bladder just for shits and giggles.
I make the Nacho Libre biting love child sit in time out and ask her why she bite her sister.
Her reply, “I didn’t bite her hard. Ray-Ray is a turd.”
All the while Emo girl is SCREAMING, “I’m dying…she bite me….does she have rabies?”
It is by divine intervention that they did not kill one another today.
Honestly, I don’t think social services WOULD take them.
Heather P. said,
June 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm:
Will be praying for you!
Jessica said,
June 16, 2009 at 12:12 am:
It sounds like you’re going to have an eventful summer!
Dana said,
June 16, 2009 at 6:19 am:
Okay -that is hysterical!!!!!!! Great way to start my day off — laughing my ass off! I agree –social services isn’t going to take them –you are so stuck with them!!! Gracyn threw such a fit a Target that I literally walked off and left her in the middle of the aisle –YES I DID!! I was 3 aisles over and still could here her. Dan was pissed that I left her, claimed she would be kidnapped. PLEASE –how many kidnappers pick out a kid that is screaming and causing a scene –no kidnapper is that stupid, they avoid that crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bottom line is that I hope you start to feel better and well I have zero advice for the kids — SURVIVE and ADVANCE is my motto!
Dana said,
June 16, 2009 at 6:20 am:
Such a loser, as stated above -I meant hear her, not here her — GOOD LORD — I am sleep deprived!
Rebecca said,
June 16, 2009 at 6:42 am:
That was funny, I am sure not to you….but to us! I always say “Social Services may take them, but will promptly bring them back!”
Futureblackmail said,
June 16, 2009 at 7:29 am:
Nothing says Green Acres like naked from the waist down….is this the same child that has taken up peeing on everything??!
I don’t know you well and have only been stalking your blog recently but I will pray for your strength……and patience.
Mrs.rotty said,
June 16, 2009 at 9:02 am:
I’m loving it!
my little brother and i used to get into major hugenormous dragout fights. it was bad.
but honestly he’s my best friend now. i love him to death.
Life Love and Lola said,
June 16, 2009 at 10:52 am:
Got Milk ? So 2008…LMAO!
justanotherdayinparadise said,
June 16, 2009 at 11:09 am:
I can absolutely promise the home health nurse has seen worse. I’ve got at least one house worse this pm to go see. . .oh, the stories I could tell. . .
azn8tive said,
June 16, 2009 at 1:03 pm:
Bless your heart! I hope that you’re feeling better soon.
It never fails when you want the kids to behave, they don’t. Hang in there!
Miss Behavin @Maneuvering Motherhood said,
June 16, 2009 at 2:53 pm:
I’m sure I’ll be experiencing much of this myself next week when ALL the kids are home . They have such different schedules and the younger ones always want to tag along with the older ones and everyday is a new fire to be put out. Guess who gets to mediate?
Farmchick said,
June 16, 2009 at 5:20 pm:
I am SO with the motto: Survive and Advance….I am hanging that in my kitchen. ASAP
Farmchick said,
June 16, 2009 at 5:21 pm:
BTW….be glad that was only pee that got on the oldest child.
Becca said,
June 17, 2009 at 11:26 am:
This is hilarious! It sounds like a zoo. I’m coming to your house. It sounds fun & exciting. Its like watching paint dry here at our place.
Momisodes said,
June 17, 2009 at 12:38 pm:
Yikes! Days like that I contemplate making a HEAVY rum cake for everyone…especially the 3 yr old.
Laura said,
June 17, 2009 at 2:19 pm:
Another enjoyable read as I think “glad it isn’t me today”! The ages of our children are just about the same so I feel your pain most of the time. However, the 11-year-old got shipped to Massachusetts to torment her father for a few weeks and the 3-year-old is at my grandparents until she decides she misses us. The 6-month-old has been easy breezy, I must say!!
Laura said,
June 17, 2009 at 2:20 pm:
Oh, and I love Survive and Advance as well….should be every mom’s motto!!
Ali Holden said,
June 20, 2009 at 3:26 pm:
I want you to know that I laugh OUT LOUD and obnoxiously when I read your blog! The girls are GORGEOUS and I am glad you are recording these moments! LOL
Miss ya!
Southern Fried Momma | The Rising Blogger said,
July 2, 2009 at 11:11 am:
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Because someone thinks I’m a “national treasure” » Southern Fried Momma said,
July 2, 2009 at 11:54 pm:
[...] she blogs about life in Hooterville where, on some days, she survives it all only through Divine Intervention or the “Custom Deluxe” redneck truckher husband bought, she is speaking our all of our lives. [...]