Holy Ritz Cracker. What a day.
Today was actually a day I thought I felt up to keeping both the children at home with me alone which I haven’t been able to do lately due to my illness. I think I just had a brain fart. It was such a bad idea.
First of all, the home health nurse came to give me the first dose of my new high tech alien made makes you grow a third nipple medication and bless her heart, while she was mixing it up, Ella was hotlapping the living room naked from the waste down. This was after she came into my kitchen to find an army of ants invading my counter tops and an empty beer can on the back porch.
I’m expecting a visit from social services.
The nurse left after finally making enough notes in my chart to warrant permanent removal of my children from my home when Numero Uno Emo Daughter emerges from bedroom expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
So, being the fabulous mother that I am, I fixed her a gourmet breakfast of Fruit Loops sans milk. She gets all bent out of shape because I didn’t put milk in it. Seeing as I had no milk I try to weasel some new fad explaination that all the “cool” kids don’t have milk in their cereal and that whole “Got Milk” campaign is really so 2008.
She doesn’t buy it and I am greeted by the first of many “GRRRRR’s” of the day.
Quiet ensues for 28.2 seconds.
I hear the birds sing and a loud diesel truck roar past the house.
Green Acres…is the place to be….
Then in the time that it takes to say a simple prayer, my 11 year old occasionally sweet as sugar, innocent, lovely daughter and my 2 year old Irish love child commence to start a fight to rival an Ohio Valley wrestling match that ended with the 2 year old Nacho Libre not only biting her sister but pissing on her belly with a full bladder just for shits and giggles.
I make the Nacho Libre biting love child sit in time out and ask her why she bite her sister.
Her reply, “I didn’t bite her hard. Ray-Ray is a turd.”
All the while Emo girl is SCREAMING, “I’m dying…she bite me….does she have rabies?”
It is by divine intervention that they did not kill one another today.
Honestly, I don’t think social services WOULD take them.
