Today I was driving back from the doctor in my mother in law’s Prius, singing at the top of my lungs and enjoying the scenery of the back roads.
It was an uneventful drive. The occasional tractor….a turtle in the road…the Schwans man on his daily route.
Then, out of nowhere, came a half naked Adonis running along this said country road and I about put the Prius in a ditch.
I will say for all intents and purposes that he was of legal age. Otherwise, I’d just be a perv drooling over a kid. So…let’s just say he was around 20-ish. Tall, tan, no shirt and sweaty.
As I about run off the road and the words, “Good God…Sweet Jesus…Lord, Have Mercy” came out of my mouth for no one to hear since I was all alone.
And then it hit me. I am 37. He is…20?
I AM OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS MOTHER.
And I felt dirty for about 10 seconds…and I got over it cause you really can’t worry about things you can’t change.
Besides, I would totally adopt him if he needed to be mothered…or just be my pool boy.
(The following post was sent to me by Rico. It was posted on http://snipershide.com and the author is unknown. It is not for the easily offended. Proceed with caution and be prepared to laugh your ass off.)
A buddy of mine went to a strip club last night and this is our story. The handicap laws have gone ape sh*t as far as I am concerned. But in the end, I have never laughed so hard. It has taken most of the day to recapture this experience. Enjoy!
Last night one of my buddies, Stan and I decided to head on out to a local gentlemen’s clubfor a little eye candy and a few drinks, now for some reason the local talent here has been on a downward trend for the last year or so, but sl*t watching is sl*t watching so off we go.
Show up at the place, and there is a 10.00 cover because it is Buffet Night (woo hoo free chow and boobies!) we pay the price and in we go. Typical strip club type place dark, lots of dim colored lights, scantily clad women serving drinks and young ladies dressed like those hookers from the HBO special. Music is thumping and the cheesy DJ is introducing Nevada or Austin or Dallasor some equally stupid vixin named after a city.
On our way to our seats we pass the buffet, not being one to waste allot of energy I decide to grab a plate on the way to the table.
MMMMM looky here shrimp and steak, chicken strips and pasta…why do they always have pasta? Oh well I snatch up a pile of shrimp (get it snatch and shrimp) as well as a couple of grayish steaks, some chicken strips and honey mustard saucefor dippin and head off to the table to be entertained.
I get to the table and Stan has already placed a drink order for us, and there are already two fine upstanding young ladies sitting at the table trying to wrangle drinks and table dances out of him.
I have a seat and one of them moves over next to me….is it just me or do all these chicks wear the same perfume powder combo? All tit*y dancers smell alike.
Well I get ready to dig in and then it hits me, this shrimp smells funny, or maybe it was “Roxy” sitting next to me, at any rate I am smelling a bit to much sea food odder and decide to skip to the Steak, it is passable but over cooked. The chicken fingers however are quite good.
Anyway, I am making small talk with Roxy, and she is telling me how she in college and this is just to help her get through school and get her degree. I inquire as to what she will be getting a degree in and she tells me cosmetology…..ahhh ok.
So we are chatting away Stan is getting a table dancefrom this leggy blond right next to us and I am checking out that action out of the corner of my eye; Here is a tip when you go to a t*tty bar, go with someone who is willing to spend lots of cash then you get like a contact table dance sort of like a contact high. If you don’t have someone like this to go with then try and sit next to the largest group of Asians you can find, trust me…
While checking out the talent walking around the room I notice that the stage has a ramp built on the side of it so I ask Roxy what’s up with the ramp is evil ****-nevil gonna jump his motorcycle over a dozen triple D’s? She laughs partly because I am witty and partly because that’s what they teach them to do in stripper school.
Roxy, then tells me that they had to install is to comply with the American with disabilities act, so that the stage would be wheel chair accessible.
“Wheel chair accessible?!? Are you ****ting me?” Nope she tells me it’s the law. Sure because handicapped people are just beating down the door to become tit*y dancers right? She seemed a bit miffed at my remarks and corrected me, “We are Exotic Dancers and they are Handicapable not handicapped!”
Yeah what ever and my toilet plunger is a fecal waste flow control device, handicapped or handicapeable either way I don’t see them lined up to be “exotic daaannncerrrs.”
Roxy then tells me to stick around because Wanda will be out soon!
Who is Wanda I ask? You’ll see she replies.
Roxy then gets up and leaves and while I am not sure I think my shrimp did smell better but I still didn’t eat it.
We watch a few girls make the rounds Stan gets another table dance an tips a few of the dancers on stage, and we bull**** a bit while watching ESPN on the big screen, when Mr. Cheesy DJ, announces Next up on the main stage gentlemen put your hands together for WILD WILD WANDAAAAAAAaaaaa!
At this point the recognizable tones of Stephan Wolf come over the speakers and I hear…
GET YER MOTOR RUNNIN HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY LOOKING FOR ADVENTURE AND WHATEVER COMES MY WAY….BORN TO BE WIIIIILLD
THEN TO THE LEFT OF THE STAGE UP THE RAMP COMES WILD WANDA….A DOUBLE AMPUTEE LEGS CUT OFF AT THE KNEES IN AN ELECTRIC FREAKING WHEEL CHAIR!
I literally spit my drink all over the table! I look at Stan and his mouth is just hanging open, I think I looked the same way because I was in total shock. Now I have seen midget porn, I have even took a peak or two at women ****ing a horse…..but this my friends was just plain WRONG!
Wanda rolls around the stage and spins in a circle a couple of times drives towards the end of the stage real fast, so it looks like she will go over the edge and be launched into the crowd like a human football with t*ts, but at the last min she stops throws it in reverse and then does one of those “Rockford turns” those of you old enough will know what I mean, but it is where you go backward real fast and then spin around to fact the opposite direction.
I got to hand it to her the little legless bitch could drive that damn chair like scene from the fast and the furious all that was missing was a fart can muffler and a big ass spoiler and a few r-type stickers slapped on her stumps and she would be race ready!
Now at this point I am both intrigued, shocked, and impressed, ok she is handicapeable but can she dance? Believe it or not here is where it gets weird.
The normal routine at this place seems to be dance one song dressed (this is the tease) then strip on the next song. The first song stops and the next song starts Privet Dancer.
Wanda slides out of her chair and onto the stage, goes into a hand stand (which causes the plaid school girl skirt she is wearing to drop down and exposes her thong.) and walks to the center of the stage and begins to roll around in typical stripper school style first on all fours sort of dry humping the stage then she rolls over to her back…at this point I am thinking “NO PLEASE PLEASE DON’T DO IT!” she does!
Yes the stripper standard props her self up on her elbows and SPREADS HER STUMPS, just when I think I am about to puke she does the roll over back onto all fours with her ass pointed at the crowd, reaches back and slaps it!
It is at this point that Stan who up until now I had always thought of as a normal sort of guy begins to yell “Oh hell yeah shake that thing baby!!! Smack it smack it!! WOOO HOO” This behavior continues until I smack him in the back of the head. Wand has now taken off her top to reveal a very nice set of t*ts obviously fake but a nice job was done they were a good full C cup, she was not unattractive in the face and her upper body was in good shape tone and not over weight. Had it not been for the mental images of Lt Dan from forest Gump playing over and over in my head I might have found her attractive.
Stan leaves me behind and runs up to the stage with a 5.00 in his mouth to tip Wanda, she walks over to him (on her hands) then sits down and grabs his waist with her stumps and grabs his collar with her hands pulls him to her and takes the 5 from his mouth with hers and gives him a kiss….Stan is kissing a half naked legless stripper the image is still etched in my mind.
After the kiss she rolls back into a hand stand (I wonder if she was a gymnast) then walks back to the center of the stage turns her back to the pole and sort of falls back against it grabs it between her stumps and PULLS HERSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR! Holding the pole with one hand and griping it with her stumps she leans back and rubs her fake t*ts (then it hits me…why would she spent 5k on new t*ts when she could have gotten some fake legs? But anyway)
She climbs the poll hangs off it by her stumps, all I can think is she must have some serious pinching power with those legs because it has to be that and friction that is keeping her up there….well it seems that friction played a big part. See all that pinching the pole and hot lights made Wanda’s stumpy little thighs sweat and while hanging upside down playing with her nipples, and looking at Stan who had another 5.00 in his mouth, that sweat made her iron grip slip, and down came wild wild Wanda!
Blam! Wanda smashed into her wheel chair which was double parked next to the Pole, the impact knocked Wanda OUT COLD and sent her wheel chair into a table near the stage where two fat business men were sitting, spilling their drinks and dumping a plate of pasta in one guys lap.
The other strippers and the door man rushed to the stage to attend to Wanda the two business men were cursing I was laughing my ass of and Stan was just standing the blank face 5 dollar bill hanging from his mouth.
The paramedics were called, and the manager comp’ed the fat guys. Stan was heart broke and I never did finish my shrimp. As for Wild Wanda I have no clue, but keep an eye out for her if you ever see a ramp next to the stage at the tit*y bar.
This is my 11 year old church camp drop out Ray Ray.
After attending another camp and spending the entire week getting picked on by older kids, she is a little skittish about going to back camp. Because I am a mean mother, I made her go to church camp at least one night thinking that once she got there and started having fun all her fears would dissipate.
She spent a whole 22 hours there.
And because I’m the greatest mommy ever, I brought her home.
A home whose backyard is filled with all kinds of expensive toys to play on….4 wheeler, trampoline, swing set, golf clubs, archery set.
Why on God’s earth would you play with that crap when you can climb 15 feet in the air, play on hay bales and scare the bejesus out of your mother?
Because scaring the crap out of your mother is a hellava lot more fun than having to share a cabin with a bunch of girls that steal your snacks.
I am so grateful to have you as my baby daddy.
Before you came into my life I wondered if I would ever find a man to love me and my daughter, cause we were a package deal. You didn’t have to be her father, but you did. You’ve loved her as if she were your own.
You’ve been there every day since…the good, the bad and the ugly.
Next came Ella and you got to experience the joy of watching her birth. I will never forget the look of awe and love on your face the first time you saw her. It is forever etched in my mind as one of the happiest moments of my life.
You’ve conquered bottles and diapers and sickness and sleepless nights.
Most importantly, you’ve showed them unconditional love.
Thank you for giving me have the joy of watching you be a father.
Your Smokin’ Hot Wife
Holy Ritz Cracker. What a day.
Today was actually a day I thought I felt up to keeping both the children at home with me alone which I haven’t been able to do lately due to my illness. I think I just had a brain fart. It was such a bad idea.
First of all, the home health nurse came to give me the first dose of my new high tech alien made makes you grow a third nipple medication and bless her heart, while she was mixing it up, Ella was hotlapping the living room naked from the waste down. This was after she came into my kitchen to find an army of ants invading my counter tops and an empty beer can on the back porch.
I’m expecting a visit from social services.
The nurse left after finally making enough notes in my chart to warrant permanent removal of my children from my home when Numero Uno Emo Daughter emerges from bedroom expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
So, being the fabulous mother that I am, I fixed her a gourmet breakfast of Fruit Loops sans milk. She gets all bent out of shape because I didn’t put milk in it. Seeing as I had no milk I try to weasel some new fad explaination that all the “cool” kids don’t have milk in their cereal and that whole “Got Milk” campaign is really so 2008.
She doesn’t buy it and I am greeted by the first of many “GRRRRR’s” of the day.
Quiet ensues for 28.2 seconds.
I hear the birds sing and a loud diesel truck roar past the house.
Green Acres…is the place to be….
Then in the time that it takes to say a simple prayer, my 11 year old occasionally sweet as sugar, innocent, lovely daughter and my 2 year old Irish love child commence to start a fight to rival an Ohio Valley wrestling match that ended with the 2 year old Nacho Libre not only biting her sister but pissing on her belly with a full bladder just for shits and giggles.
I make the Nacho Libre biting love child sit in time out and ask her why she bite her sister.
Her reply, “I didn’t bite her hard. Ray-Ray is a turd.”
All the while Emo girl is SCREAMING, “I’m dying…she bite me….does she have rabies?”
It is by divine intervention that they did not kill one another today.
Honestly, I don’t think social services WOULD take them.
Today you turned 11 and I don’t know where the time has gone. It seems only yesterday that you were born in the middle of a horrendous thunderstorm. I should have taken that as a sign that you would always make a grand entrance…and you have.
Looking at you now, it’s hard to believe that I once carried you in one arm, snuggled against my chest all cozy and warm. You stayed little so briefly, it all seems like a blur now. I was so busy in the moment, in the daunting job of being your mother that I missed seeing you grow so quickly.
Being my first child, I must apologize to you for there’s so much I didn’t know. You were my learning curve. I had no idea how to do this mom gig. I still don’t. You were the first of many learning experiences. Some good. Some bad.
I will never forget the first time I took you out on a trip all by myself. I was scared to death. I took you to the pediatrician for a check up and all went well. We made it back out to the car. I put you in the car seat carrier and off we went. I stopped at the stop sign and your car seat rolled out into the floor. I had forgot to buckle you in.
I got out and grabbed you up, checking every inch of you. You were OK. I was not.
I cried for 45 minutes.
I would like to say that was the last mistake I made with you, but it’s not. Nor will it be the last.
Some say motherhood is about passing along your gifts to your children, but I disagree. I have learned far more from you in 11 years than I could possibly ever give you. You are such a loving spirit. One of the most wonderful lessons you’ve given me is to love others unconditionally. You see no boundaries with people. It doesn’t matter to you the color of one’s skin, their social status, their age, their religion, their handicap. To you, you see a child of God and love them regardless.
Last year, you and I were coming home from a trip to the big city and stopped to get gas off of the interstate. We encountered a homeless man. It was hot outside. You could tell by looking at him that he’s been out for several days without a shower. He smelled bad. His clothes were filthy and he had a large scar along one of his arms.
Immediately you got out of the car and approached him and said “Hi!” in your usual way. I could tell he was taken aback and he looked at me for reassurance that it was alright, and I nodded. You took your little fingers and touch his scar then looked him in the eyes and smiled, and hugged him.
And at first, he didn’t know what to do and said, “Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a hug.”
I replied, “Well, it’s been worth the wait because she gives the best.”
I was never more proud to be your mother.
Happy Birthday Grasshopper! May you continue to grow and shine your light of love on the world.
I live in the sticks. 9 miles out to be exact. We’re like Green Acres…minus the money and the pig.
Living in the sticks requires you to teach your children special skills. Like making sure the pile of mud their playing in is actually mud, not cow manure or like how to pull a baby calf out of a momma cow.
Not that my children have done anything like that.
There comes a time in every girl’s life on the farm when they must learn to tinkle outside. With boys, I’m sure it’s a lot easier but for girls there tends to be a whole lot of drama.
Squatting. Not peeing on their feet. Shaking instead of wiping.
Ella has recently learned to pee in the wilderness and it has been such a life changing experience for her that she wants to give the whole world a golden shower. Last week I was wondering through the house and couldn’t find her anywhere. I finally looked out the back door to see her butt naked in the driveway watering the gravel. It seems the toilet is too much trouble.
Panties are now taboo cause she thinks the whole world is her litter box.
Even on the trampoline…she is naked…waiting to make her next tinkle.
My husband said he always dreamed about living in a house where panties were coming off all the time.
This wasn’t what he had in mind.
Sorry Rico, you can’t have everything.
Today I went to the big city for a doctor’s appointment and since we were heading that way, we decided to go ahead and take the Sheik mobile back to the dealership since my lease is up at the end of the month. I admit to being a little sad when I drove off and left it there in the parking lot but I realize we’d come full circle with the whole sheik saga.
I mean, it’s only so long you can pretend to be a blond Middle Eastern oil baroness with a southern accent and a pasty white husband with a red and white table cloth on his head. People were starting to ask questions about the validity of our vast oil fortune, especially since they saw me buying my kids clothes at Wally World. Plus, Rico was really pushing the idea of an Arabic husband’s having more than one wife and I just can’t get along with that many people in my household at one time. Can you imagine all those woman in one house? You know their cycles would all synchronize and we do have guns in the house.
I’m just saying…
This time I am going American. I can pull that off much better. I do speak English,even though it is hard for foreigners to understand. And by foreigners, I mean anyone above the Mason-Dixon line. But if I speak slowly, they eventually get it.
It’s the new Yukon Denali for me. The standard redneck SUV of the south. And the dealerships don’t make promises they can’t keep except for maybe not filing bankruptcy, guaranteeing their warranty and keeping all their dealerships open. But I can live with that cause I know up front they aren’t gonna promise me fancy lattes and sheik mobile loaner cars during my service calls. They’re just gonna tell me to get my own friggin’ drink and wait until their done with my oil change. Ahhh, the American way.
On the way home, I noticed a store with all these pimp rims for my new Denali. And you know being all fabulous, I gotta have some pimp rims on my new ride.
But not only that, I noticed you can RENT some pimp rims….YES, YOU CAN!!!
For as low as $35 dollar a week, I can rent me some 20′s or better yet….SOME SPINNERS!!!!!!
I can just see it now, me in my tiara and EMO gloves…driving up to school in the morning to let my “GRRRRRR”-eatest daughter out in front of ALL her friends…sitting on DUBS???
I might even be blaring some Nelly.
I think it’s my ultimate revenge yet.
****ATTENTION ALL RICO SAUVE FANS: DUE TO AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE TO MY DING DONG HUSBAND, I WILL BE HOSTING A Q&A WITH MY…UHHH…BETTER HALF.
WANT TO KNOW HOW HE SNAGGED SUCH A HOT WIFE? WANT TO KNOW HOW HE DEVELOPED SUCH HOME IMPROVEMENT SKILLS WITH DUCT TAPE? EVER WONDER IF HE SLEEPS WITH ONE EYE OPEN? WANT TO KNOW WHY HE HAS SUCH AN AVERSION TO PEAS?
NO QUESTION WILL BE LEFT UNANSWERED.
SEND YOUR QUESTION HERE firstname.lastname@example.org ****
Today, I had my 15 minutes of fame as I was the featured blogger for SITS. If you’re not familiar with the gals at The Secret’s in the Sauce, you’re missing out on a fabulous group of women.
Since I was Queen for the Day and Emo Mom at the same time, I had to wear my tiara and fingerless gloves at the same time. It’s not a look I recommend as few people can pull it off. I think I did a pretty good job. My tiara only fell off a few times. Once while I was mopping the kitchen floor and the other while I was pulling laundry out of the dryer.
Ray Ray is going to camp tomorrow morning and we have to meet the other campers bright and early at 7 a.m. Since she has been such a turd this week and most of her responses to me have been the standard “GRRRRR”, I have decided to carry over my Queen Emo attire for one more day. I shall be dropping her off in front of all her friends in my Emo gloves and tiara. Maybe her being a turd is hereditary?
Today was also a big day for Rico because he thought all this hullabaloo was totally about him. He has gotten a really big head with all the comments about his redneck plumbing skillz. It has gotten so bad I am seriously having thoughts of smothering him in his sleep but then am afraid that I will have some kind of horrendous plumbing problem and will need him. So ladies, please refrain from the comments that praise all his redneck ACME duct tape engineering. It goes straight to his head and it’s big enough already. I think he’s considering starting his own blog and if he does, God help us all. I will be moving.
Anyhoo, thanks to all the great people who stopped by my little blog today. I am in the process of reading every comment and am trying to visit each and everyone of your blogs!