Because I have Crohn’s disease, I have to have a colonoscopy every two years and sometimes sooner. Most people think colonoscopy’s are horrible but they really aren’t that bad. It’s the 24 to 48 hours prior to the procedure that are unpleasant. And by unpleasant I mean drinking horrible tasting concoctions and crapping yourself to death enough to rival dysentery.
The procedure, however, is a piece of cake. You get a new pair of tread socks, a open in the back hospital gown to flash other patients, a warm blanket and a plethora of pharmaceuticals to make you feel like you’ve drank a whole magnum of Dom Perignon.
I highly recommend it.
The down side to these pharmaceuticals is that they make you forget everything…even things that happened 5 seconds ago. You also lose all filters on your mouth which means that the diarrhea you had 24 hours ago now becomes diarrhea of the mouth.
A couple of years ago my mom took me for a colonoscopy. The procedure was late in the day and I had only had clear liquids the day before. All I could think about was food. Mass quantities of food. Burrito’s…White Castle…Wendy’s Double Cheeseburgers…Pizza. I was so hungry.
Before the test I gave my mother explicit details on finding food ASAP. I didn’t care what it was as long as it was grease and it was quick.
So, the procedure went off with a hitch except that due to the large amount of inflammation in my bowel they had to give me a couple extra doses of anesthesia…which meant that I was higher than a Georgia pine when I woke up. Mom managed to get me dressed and I somehow I acted sane enough for them to release me to go home. We made it to the car and all I can do is harp about how hungry I was and how if I didn’t eat fast I was sure to die of the rickets.
Mom dutifully finds the quickest fast food she can find. A truck stop gas station with a Taco Bell inside.
I walk into the Bell and order two Burrito Supremes and a Nacho Bellgrande and tell the lady to make it fast. The place was loaded with truck drivers, numerous interstate travelers and a host of truck stop hookers. Mom and I stood out like a turd in the punch bowl.
Now seeing as the medicine they gave me left me with a good case of amnesia, I had to be redirected like a two year old every five seconds. The lady at the counter gave me an empty cup for the self serv drink machine, told me where to go and I walk five steps to then turn around and hold the cup up in the air and say loudly, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this empty cup?”
Mom is starting to get embarrassed. People are starting to look at me like I’m some kind of mental case out for a day trip.
I went along my business as I couldn’t remember 5 seconds ago…my poor mother.
Then, just as the place was getting crowded to incapacity, I turn and yell to my mother,
“WHO PUT MY CLOTHES ON? I WAS NAKED…WHO PUT MY CLOTHES ON?
My mother then sheepishly made me get my burritos and go home. I still can’t remember what the hell I did with the hot sauce.
