Fifteen months ago, I made a rash decision. Leave it to the advertising world to make me fall in love with Land Rover, leave it to the financial wizards to make leasing affordable.
Leasing the Rover was a wise tax move, as it is a “business” vehicle….BWAHAHAHA!!!!
Seriously, important bid’ness goes on in that vehicle seeing as I am not only the brains of this operation but also the beauty. Gawd, help us all.
So fifteen months ago, I went to the dealership and they schmoozed me. It was all “You are so fabulous SFM and your hawtness would only be complemented with this glorious vehicle…just think of the complimentary oil changes…your childless trips to the posh city of Brentwood…the courtesy sheik pimp mobile we will furnish you while your vehicle is here…the dining and shopping for the day trip her while we service your fabulous ride….would you like a glass of wine while you ponder that ?”
So’s today I head to the big city all deck out in my pirate flip flops, cause that’s how I roll when I go big time, and upon arrival to said dealership for my scheduled oil change I was told, “I’m sorry, Ma”am, we don’t have any courtesy vehicles.”
There was no “Your Hawtness” or “Miss Fabulous SFM How the Hell You Been?”
I politely say, “Excuse me, but I scheduled my oil change a month ago…and I was told I would have a courtesy vehicle and in the event one wasn’t available, you would rent a car (AGHAST…a rental) for me to spend my fabulous childless day and by damn, I want my car and I want it now.”
So Birkenstock Granola boy says, “Ma’am, I’m really sorry, we are out of loaners and we don’t do rentals anymore.”
Me, “Not even for sheiks?”
“Cause you know I gots like 2 quarts of oil in the back hatch there… still in the container and some left over sand in the back floor board…you put a red and white tablecloth on my head and I’m the freaking sheik of Hooterville…so’s go get my friggin sheik pimp mobile!”
Granola boy picks up the phone I’m convinced to call the police but instead the manager…
So’s I explain to the manager that “I have not had breakfast, nor lunch and my blood sugar must be low…thus the jibberish about being the redneck sheik and I need food bad ’cause I’m so hungry I think I got the rickets so could somebody give me a ride to Chili’s…oh, and I forgot to tell you I’m packing heat in the vehicle…don’t be alarmed the clip ain’t in it…all sheiks carry heat.”
When he finally picks his mouth up off the floor he says, “Ma’am, I will try to find you a ride…but it may be 20 to 30 minutes…you may want to walk…it’s not that far.”
I have literally scared the bejesus out of these people and now have to walk in tony Brentwood in my redneck pirate flip flops across 6 lanes of traffic filled with sheik pimp rides and Mercedes to get some friggin food…and since I’m by myself and driving I can’t even let off some steam with a margarita, I had to settle with the house wine of the south…sweet tea.