I know there are strange people everywhere. Every city and state has it’s share of fruitcakes.
Here in Kentucky, we call them rednecks and they’re an abundant breed.
Case in point:
Saturday I head to the local Vietnamese nail salon to get my toes did. I sat down all prepared for a nice, quiet, relaxing pedicure knowing full well that I didn’t have to talk to anyone ’cause the only Vietnamese I can speak is ”bạn đãng trí hơn địa ngục”…which isn’t appropriate for a southern lady to use during a pedicure.
While I’m sitting there soaking my paws, in comes “Myrtle” and “Bertha”, Satan’s wife and spawn, who proceed to sit beside me and start yapping at the a loud roar.
I shut my eyes trying to connect with that quiet place you find in the fetal position. I even try to suck my thumb to conjure some peace…but it ain’t happening cause Myrtle and Bertha want to talk to the nail dude, who they’ve now given the American name, “Stone Cold Steve Austin”, about nude beaches in Florida.
No shitzs, so now I have to go there in my mind…oh, gawd…somebody pour acid on my brain.
Holy Ritz Cracker.
Bertha then proceeds to tell her mother about Playalinda beach in Florida…where you can strip down out of your flannel “God Bless Dale Jr #8″ pajama bottoms and run nekkid around the beach and let your “ta-ta’s flop in the wind.”
She even warned Momma to take her heart medicine “cause there was youngin’s and old one’s and all kinds she had never see before, even black ones. I bet we could even take Stone Cold Steve Austin there with us and he could show us his wiener.”
Poor old Stone Cold Vietnamese Nail Dude,he was clutching his Buddha necklace so tight it was digging into his neck, cutting off his oxygen and he was turning blue. I thought I was gonna have to do CPR.
I think he regretted the day he moved here.
Renée aka Mekhismom said,
March 10, 2009 at 4:14 pm:
Oh my Gawd! I think I just peed my pants from laughing so hard. You know you should join the humor bloggers group. You totally belong!
pissy said,
March 10, 2009 at 8:49 pm:
Poor Stone Cold Steve Austin!
Bet he’s missing Vietnam REAL bad right now! LOL
Momisodes said,
March 11, 2009 at 11:35 am:
Oh man. Poor guy. Something tells me whatever his tip was did NOT help him feel better after that.
Candace said,
March 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm:
Myrtle and Bertha sound like the Wal-Martians around here. Rob and I stopped by there last night and saw flannel pj bottoms in abundance. It’s too bad teeth and clean hair were in short supply.
Poor Stone Cold … and poor you for having to listen to that!
Laura said,
March 11, 2009 at 4:41 pm:
How do you end up in this hilarious escapades??? I could only wish my life was half this entertaining!! lol
AiredaleGirl said,
March 12, 2009 at 11:43 am:
Oh, thank Jeebus. I thought this was isolated to the nail salon I patronize here in Lake Redneckville. I am eternally grateful to the Great Pedicure Gods that I was the only one there last Friday evening!
Of course, you can also interpret this experience per the useful information acquired: now you know where Myrtle and Bertha are likely to be when in Florida, so you can avoid it like the plague.
Jac @ Wuzzle Makes Three said,
March 15, 2009 at 3:09 pm:
Oh man…. I know every village has an idiot; but these two are too much!!
Poor Stone Cold!
Wendy said,
April 12, 2009 at 12:03 am:
Too, too funny. Well, you might not have achieved inner peace, but you got some good inner humor out of the deal!
(Since you live in the country, you should participate in Small Town Snapshot Sunday!)