Last night, Ray-Ray had her elementary school dance.
It’s not so much a dance but a bunch of whacked out kiddos running around the gym like cats on crack, boys body slamming each other and girls crying over stupid boy drama.
It’s about as much fun as spending the night with Liberace.
To make the night extra special, I purchased a special hoochie momma dress and some training stripper heels.
We did the whole “actually using a hair brush AND curling iron” and topped it all off with some body glitter and white rain…just for class.
For an added treat, I splurged with McDonald’s because I’m the “most best-est Momma EVER!!!”
On the ride to school, we laid out our ground rules:
”No bodily contact with anyone with a penis.”
“No swapping of spit with anyone with a penis.”
“No hiding out in dark corners of the gymnasium.”
“No leaving the gymnasium with anyone without telling me.”
“Do not speak to me.”
“Do not act like you know me the whole evening.”
“Do not speak to other parents.”
“Do not speak to teachers.”
“Do not dance…cause parents aren’t allowed to…I mean it…even if they play ATOMIC DOG!!!!”
“If someone ask your name, make up something.”
“I will give you a sign when I’m ready to leave and you can meet me at the car.”
“And most important… DON’T LET MY SISTER EMBARRASS ME OR ELSE!”
Upon arrival to the school, Ray-Ray disappears into the rave lights and the loud thump of T.I.’s “You Can Have What Ever You Like.”
Yeah right, home skillet, with Ray-Ray, all you gonna have is McDonald’s and three jobs supporting her high maintenance shizizzle.
Forty five minutes later, the kiddos on crack finally converge onto the dance floor in a circle to Flo-rida’s “Low” and at that very moment, the R&B gods possessed my 2 year old Irish love child, Ella.
You could just see them take over, one cell at a time, from her head to her toes. And at the elementary school dance, in the middle of the gym, in front of her older sister and ALL her friends…
“SHAWTY HAD THOSE APPLE BOTTOM JEANS…BOOTS WITH THE FUR…THE WHOLE SCHOOL WAS LOOKING AT HER…SHE HIT THE FLO..NEXT THING YA KNOW…
SHAWTY GOT LOW…LOW…LOW…LOW…LOW…LOW…LOW…LOW!!!!!!