My mothering skills are questionable.
My first born was my pet project. She was like home economic class without the text books. My trial run at motherhood. It still baffles me that they let me take her home from the hospital seeing that I couldn’t figure out breast feeding nor installing the car seat. You can imagine the disgust from the nurse when she wheeled me out and realized I hadn’t installed it yet.
Shouldn’t that have been a sign people? You think I need to go home with one of these?
Yes, I know I had taken care of a dog for a couple of years but I knew going into that situation that I had the option of giving him to a good home should I change my mind, plus he didn’t care if I slept all night and forgot to feed him unlike that 7 1/2 pound tittie muncher in there.
Seven years later, I thought I had mastered the art of motherhood, clearly more Roseanne Barr than June Cleaver, and decided to do it again.
The second time around was much easier. No worries of dog hair on the pacifier or dog slobbers, you just learn to worm them both every couple of months. No worries about daily baths. You learn that dirt makes a kid grow and with that Ella is growing like a weed seeing as she only get a “good” one three times a week with a spit shine in between.
You also learn to compromise. I take the oldest to school in the mornings and Rico takes Ella to day care.
Motherhood for me is doing it your own way and bucking against society standards.
For instance, the other morning when Rico had an early out of town business meeting causing me to take Ray-Ray to school and Ella to the babysitters.
Ella decided she wasn’t wearing clothes that day and everytime I put them on, she took them off. ON,OFF. ON, OFF. ON,OFF….until I totally lost my freaking mind and blew a gasket….and….
TOOK HER NAKED TO THE BABYSITTER’S!!!!
I grabbed a blanket, carried her to the preheated truck, placed her naked hiney in the car seat, listened to her sing “ME AM NAAA-KEEE’ and prayed that no one would pull me over.
Upon arrival to the babysitter’s and the unveiling of the the birthday suit, the babysitter reassured me that sometimes a “momma’s gotta do what a momma’s gotta do” and I told her that’s exactly how we roll, keeping it real in Hooterville.
Can ya’ll imagine what kind of hot mess I’d been if I’d been that crazy fertility woman with 14 kids??? America, be thankful I stopped at two!
Heather P. said,
February 22, 2009 at 10:53 pm:
WHOO HOO!! That is one for the baby book! Lawdy, I hope she doesn’t grow up to be a stripper or live on some hippie clothing-optional commune! LOL!!!!
Becky said,
February 23, 2009 at 7:26 am:
Hahaha! Funny! Sometimes you just gotta give up and give in and hope tomorrow is a better day. When my daughter was about 4 she decided she didn’t want to go to the grocery store. After much arguing, I gave in. Her Dad, brother and I got in the truck backed out of the driveway, waving good-bye to her standing in the doorway. Sat out of sight a minute or so, pulled back up and I asked if she wanted to go now. Tearfully, she said “yes”. We got her coat and off to the store. Sometimes you have to outsmart them. Although, for me, sometimes that was a challenge. LOL!!
AiredaleGirl said,
February 23, 2009 at 12:26 pm:
I assure you that a clothes-optional childhood does not equal an adult career as an exotic dancer- case in point, my sister, who would wear a long-sleeved turtleneck every day of her life now if she wouldn’t roast in the heat.
Others have been here, Gloria Gaynor. You, too, will survive.
Brittany said,
February 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm:
I have learned to embrace the daily nekkedniss in our home. Less laundry:)
Momisodes said,
February 23, 2009 at 4:50 pm:
LOL! It drives me bonkers when they do that nakey thing.
ps. You are far too sane to have as many kids as the fertility lady.
Candace said,
February 23, 2009 at 5:26 pm:
I love it! I don’t have any youngus of my own, but I do have 25 nieces and nephews. (The husband comes from a fertile family for sure. ) I’ve experienced the “nekkid as a jaybird” displays on several occasions. Sometimes those kiddos just flat-out refuse to wear clothes. What’s a mama to do?
Farmchick said,
February 23, 2009 at 8:46 pm:
Yo ! I would like to ask when the parenting handbook is coming out in bookstores?! I think we should get together for cocktails and come up with a few book titles….Like – “Southern Fried Momma’s Parenting Adventures in Redneck Wonderland” or possibly ” Honing your parenting skills with Liquor”!!!!
Dejoni said,
February 23, 2009 at 9:34 pm:
Farm Chick,
I do think we should co-author a parenting book on the southern art of parenting as I have been at your house in the summer time and have witnessed, shall we say, the “decanter” enhanced household chores, such as car washing.
We need to schedule a bid’ness meeting soon to discuss details of this endeavor…I’ll bring the liqour, you bring the food.
azn8tive said,
February 23, 2009 at 10:32 pm:
Thank you!!! I needed a good laugh! And yes, your babysitter is correct – ‘a momma’s gotta do, what a momma’s gotta do!’
I like the working book titles, too.
Next time be sure you have the video camera because it’ll make great fodder for her engagement and bachelorette parties.
AiredaleGirl said,
February 23, 2009 at 11:16 pm:
Honey, tomcat balls are t-tiny, and wasn’t Felix left at your house around the time you were not among the normally-sighted? If the little so and so didn’t walk up and spray your leg or somesuch, nobody who’s ever looked for kitty nuts will fault you!
farmchick said,
February 24, 2009 at 9:29 am:
Dejoni,
Let’s not forget that I let my kids jump in the pool in their underwear. That is some good parenting right there. And, might I say, that all chores need to be “decanter” enhanced. Housewifing can be such a bore, why not liven it up?
Airedale Girl – I would like to comment that my tomcat has some tennis ball sized nuts. He must be super special.
Laura said,
February 24, 2009 at 7:24 pm:
When I read your posts I realize that at least there is one other person in the world with similar parenting skills….my 3-year-old learned early on that she is the one in charge and if she wants to go naked well then so be it!
tipper said,
March 3, 2009 at 11:10 am:
I’m glad we both stopped at 2. Hooterville exists here too.