AiredaleGirl is the nom de guerre of yet another native of Hooterville, aka Smalltownland, depending on whose blog you’re reading. She is currently on the faculty of a small, rural college in Kentucky. Her baby sister was Southernfriedmomma’s college roommate. She knows where the bodies are buried.

Winter Weather Advisory circa 1977

Back in the day, our tiny hometown used to get actual, real-live accumulations of snow during the winter. There were a couple of pretty bad ones back-to-back in 1977 and 1978, with upwards of three feet of snow on the ground, resulting in schools being closed for a month or better each time. We were out so long that in order to make it up, we went on Saturdays and were in school until June…in an old, un-air-conditioned building, parts of which dated to the early 1950s. Talk about some angry children, cooped up in a hot school on Saturdays in the summer!

It was during these two winters that a couple of things of note happened back home: a lot of people bought four-wheel drive vehicles (Dad’s was a 1968 Ford Bronco, in patriotic red, white, and blue), and several of my friends’ moms had actual, locked-up-in-a-psych-ward nervous breakdowns from having to stay at home that long with the kids. My mother, however, made us do creative things like hike two miles to and from the grocery towing our American Flyer sled, bring in wood for the fire, and learn to cook. I also got to be pretty good at canasta, five-card stud, and Michigan rummy…given the fact that I was a third- and fourth-grader then. Mom grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere; she knew what to do with children during bad weather with no electricity. No frivolous nervous breakdowns for her.

The second winter, our mothers banded together to figure out what to do with us, since we were pretty tired of sledding after the first week and they were sick of running our snowsuits through the dryer. What they hit on was craft lessons at a local craft shop. They took turns driving us over, and the lady who ran it, God love her heart, put up with us for several hours each day.(SFM can verify the results; she works with my father, who proudly displays the white macrame’ fish I made on the wall of his private office.) I also made a plant hanger and a handbag- I think that was about as much of us as the craft lady could take.

So, there you have it: find some poor, unsuspecting soul who will take the kiddies off your hands and occupy their time for a nominal fee before you go completely insane. In return, your children will supply you with weird handicrafts over which you will have to ooh and ahh until such time as you can safely stuff them in the back of the junk closet. Of course, there is the alternative: going barking mad and winning a fun-filled vacation at the nearest psychiatric inpatient facility of your insurer’s choice. It’s up to you, girls.

(Sorry for the poor quality picture but it was the best my Blackberry could do.)

Hooterville is encased in ice and currently being smothered in snow.

A few have power but many are without.

Us rednecks are a strong stock. Most are surviving with kerosene heaters and oil lamps. Drinking bourbon not only for the warmth but sanity.

Our new office, which we are supposed to be moved in and up and running by 8 a.m. Monday morning is flooded.

Rico’s antique mahogany desk is sitting in water.

The hardwood floors are now a wading pool.

Joy to the world…all the boys and girls.

Contrary to what people have said, Hell can freeze over!

This is why there isn’t a loaf of bread or gallon of milk in any grocery store in the state of Kentucky…

“urgent – winter weather message
national weather service Louisville KY
435 pm est mon jan 26 2009

…ice storm warning remains in effect from 10 pm est /9 pm cst/
this evening to 1 pm est /12 pm cst/ tuesday…

a mix of light rain…freezing rain and sleet will begin late
this evening before changing to all freezing rain and sleet after
midnight across south central Kentucky. up to one inch of sleet
accumulation along with ice accumulations of one quarter to one
half inch are expected overnight.”

Yesterday we heard on the radio that winter was coming.

Bring it on I say!

Then they said “ice” was coming…and then I shut up.

Snow is fun…ice is not.

Here in Hooterville, we are not accustomed to real winter weather.

We occasionally get a few flurries but hardly ever a good enough snow to go sledding…especially sledding on a car hood being pulled by a four wheeler….now that’s a redneck winter wonderland.

And when the weatherman calls for inclement weather, every redneck, in every nook and cranny of this county, comes to the local IGA and buys out all the milk and bread…as if milk and bread’s gonna save you from starvation in a ice storm.

Me? I get beef jerky and vodka….that will keep you alive for weeks.

Ice means no electricity…which means no heat, no video games, no Barney tapes, no bologna which equals hell.

It also means that I can’t use my flat iron and my hair will be a hot tranny mess when the EMS people take me to the loony bin after being home with the kids with no electronic buffers.

Please pray.

Today, I took the plunge. 

For the past year, Rico has worked tirelessly day and night on various side projects. I mean literally, he works from 7 a.m. until midnight every night.

While that is good for our long term investments, it’s bad for Momma’s sanity.

Working, taking care of kids mainly by yourself, trying to blog, occasionally trying to clean house…Momma has been a little frazzled.

And by frazzled…I mean…I’m about to PULL MY FREAKING HAIR OUT!

Due to the economy, I’ve put off doing things I used to do in order to take a little time for myself.

But I’d reached my limit.

I could not go another day without a pedicure and massage.

After weeks of not buying lunch with the girls at work and taking leftovers, I had enough money in the kitty for some “me” time.

And it was….

O.K.

I mean, if you call a massage with a Marlboro Red smokin’, will soon have a tracheotomy from cigarettes, constantly hacking over me, talking about her experimental cancer treatments in Mexico and her faith healer uncle in Washington State masseuse good.

I get there, undress and hop on the table and say, “Hi, my name is Dejoni and I’m gonna sleep for the next hour…glad to meet ya!”

She then proceeds to hack phlegm and talk for a solid hour. I don’t know how she caught what little breath she had from talking non-stop.

And for all this I paid her $60 because I am too nice to say “Please shut the crap up.”

I have done my saintly duty for the year…so everyone out there…you have been warned.

Every time I see this I can’t help but giggle all over myself.

Not because I think it’s right but because I have a friend who is just like this guy.

He’s a 40 year old Don Juan who travels the world performing top secret government jobs. A redneck James Bond.  In fact, he’s Secret Agent Man’s twin brother. Yes, there are two of them. 

He thinks he’s the bomb.

We think he’s a ding dong.

Thanks for all the wonderful creative comments.

Wonder Nut (A.K.A. Ella) wrote her name once in block and what some have said is in cursive…but that’s pushing it a little.

Momisodes is the lucky winner of one of my favorite Yankee Candles (Island Spa)….hopefully it will allow her conjure up some memories of sun and sand and shake off some of Boston’s cold.

This is my 26 month old, Ella (A.K.A Ella Bella, Puddin’ Pop, Sugar Lump, Wonder Nut.)

She is a complex child who has yet to sleep all night.

She is slowly trying to kill me with sleep deprivation. 

She is also very smart…and I know y’all are all thinking ’cause my baby daddy was all up in the National Problem Solving Team in middle school (will I ever stop hearing that???)…but I’m telling y’all…

IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF ME!!!

Y’all can stop laughing now…it wasn’t that funny!

Her pediatrician has been telling me for the past year that her IQ was off the charts. But you know, living with “Wonder Boy Rico”, I’m used being around the higher echelon of intelligence and didn’t think a thing about it until…

She did this last week…

So, here’s how you can win …

You comment on what fabulous thing Wonder Nut did and I will bestow the winner with the fabulous Island Spa Yankee Candle. It smells like the beach and makes you want to drink lots of margarita’s…not that I need candles that smell like the beach for an excuse to drink a margarita…but it sure does set the mood.

There are times in life when I can’t help capturing the moment for proof of my heritage.

From our front porch looking in, we look like your average middle class family with 2 kids and a dog…living the American dream in a state filled with honest, hardworking people stereotyped with being rednecks.

Yes people, we wear shoes…even nice shoes like Via Spiga and Johnston and Murphy’s.

However, there are times when we can really get our freak on and let our rednecks out of hiding. Evolution has not won yet!

How does enjoying a nice Cabernet Sauvignon, steak, cheese and a romantic evening become this?

 The man is swigging my nice bottle of Cab…gifted to me for Christmas from my girlfriend in NYC… and eating rare, cold leftover steak and a slab of Walmart cheddar cheese.

Notice the neck? See how it’s turning red???

Gawd, he’s SEXY!!!! Makes me want to give him a hickey chain around his neck.

OH YES I DID!!!!!

I not only wore this around the house…but out in public. (Well, to work on Rico’s office.

I am on a budget.

Since the “great tax raping of 2008″, I am only spending money for daily living necessities or tax deductions…such as my NEW SCARLET RED BLACKBERRY….OH, YES I DID!!!!

My feet aren’t tax deductible for two reasons…

1. I am not a foot model.

2. I am not employed as an “ESCORT” servicing the needs of people with foot fetish’s.

Also, I can’t get a government bail out since I don’t recieve a multi-million dollar bonus.

Therefore, I will continue the at home pedicure even though it’s not the same…

How can I relax and enjoy a pedicure when I have a two year old’s back porch in my face needing to be wiped and nobody calling me “stupid blond girl with NASTY feet” in Vietnamese????

Oh, I miss you #1 Nails!

And in my best Scarlett voice…

“ As God is my witness, as God is my witness they’re not going to lick me! I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never have SKANKY FEET again! No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill! As God is my witness, I’ll never be without a PEDICURE again!

Mothers, you’ve all had those days…

When you wake up late…

After being up half the night with a sick kid…

Then you finally get to work…

Only to discover you’re gonna spend the next 9 1/2 hours looking for 3 cents…

And spend your 30 minute lunch break running around town doing errands such as mailing your 2007 amended tax returns…

Then coming home…

And having your 2 year old kick you in the shin…

And your 10 year old having a hormonal meltdown…

Only to realize…

You’re gonna have to wake up tomorrow and repeat the same thing.