Me: “Come here and let me put on your diaper.”

Ella: “NO….I DO IT MYSELF!”

Me: ” You can’t put your diaper on yourself.”

Ella: “I use my super powers.”

Me: “You think you can just use your super powers to not pee in your diaper?”

Ella: “No….I use them to fly.”

Watch out people…I have a two year old with super powers that soars the skies without a diaper.

You might want to get an umbrella.

My husband Rico (Rico Suave, Super Genius, Great Hunter Extraordinaire) has outdid himself yet again.

While I was in the depths of illness and pestilence, he decided to tackle his latest invention.

You see, living out here in the country has it’s perks. Wide open spaces, letting the kids run half necked around the yard, going to the mailbox in your skivvies.

But it does have it’s drawbacks….driving 11 miles to the grocery, waiting 20 minutes for emergency medical attention, and varmints getting in your garbage.

Many a morning have I awoke to hear Rico swearing like Ralphie’s dad on A Christmas Story because varmints have strewn garbage all over our back yard and he knew this SFM wasn’t gonna pick it up.

 Rico, being a former member of the National Problem Solving Team, saw a problem he knew he could solve…and VIOLA!!!

Introducing, The Rico Suave Trashinator 2000.

and…

This can be yours for the unbelievable one day low price of $399.95 (plus shipping and handling).

Jealous? Wait ’til I paint it to look like Spongebob. We’ll be all the rave out here in Hooterville.

A synopsis of my strep/feels like the flu/gonna die illness of 2008:

1. “Am I still alive?”…”Quit nudging me Rico, I’m still breathing…and don’t be cashing my life insurance money in singles and spending it on some chick named Lexi or Kandy.”

2. “My eyeballs hurt. Is it time to take another Darvocet?”

3. Me,”I’m taking another hot bath.” Rico, “Are you gonna use soap this time.” Me, “Probably not.”

4. “Where are my children and are they sick too?”

5. “If I die, can the IRS put a levy on my life insurance money?”

6. Said to Rico, “Did you know that while watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show that Ne-Ne was gonna whoop Kim’s butt but didn’t cause Kim admitted she was wearing a wig cause she thought she had cancer but she really didn’t.” Rico then rolling his eyes at my nonsense babbling.

7. Me talking to a telemarketer after their fourth call in one day, “Listen to me you stupid idiot, if you EVER call me again and ask me if I want a Vegas getaway, I will hunt you down in Opa Locka, Florida and I will lock you in a room with my kids after they’ve hit the sugar crack pipe. Then I will sew your mouth shut, clamp your nose and wax all your body hair with scalding hot wax.”

8. Me to Rico, “When I die, would you cremate me and spread my ashes at Mallory Square in Key West…wait, that means you get to go on vacation and I don’t….just spread my ashes at the MAC counter at the mall.”

9. “Do you think anyone will come to my funeral? Or will they just come to make fun of me and bring casseroles try to snatch the new hot widow?”

10. On awaking today from being in bed since last Tuesday, “Gawd, I smell.”

Holla, peeps. Starting to feel human again…off to shower WITH soap. It’s a brand new day!!!

I’ve had a lot on my plate this week. Between trying to die from the nasty strep/feels like the flu/think I’m gonna die illness and interviewing applicants for Rico’s office, I’ve been busy.

Rico thought it would be a good idea to Wonderlic applicants to assess aptitude for learning and problem solving.  Not only does it give an idea of your IQ, it also assess your strengths and weaknesses.

I was a little nervous ’cause he’s always throwing it in my face how he was on the National Problem Solving Team and in the “gifted” class. ( I think when he’s talking about the “gifted” class he’s actually talking about riding the short bus and everyone told him he was “special.”)  Just kidding.

Rico took the test by himself in peace and quiet.

I had to take the test with him over my shoulder commenting on the questions. Therefore, I had a lot of distractions.

We both had the same score and IQ.

So, we are intellectually on the same playing field.

Although I wasn’t in the “gifted” class, I did know how to get a fake ID from the courthouse during college. Thus, I declare, makes me the smarter of the two.

In real life, it doesn’t matter if you know trigonometry or chemistry…it matters that you can get through the day and that things don’t fly right through the hairspray. I have never once needed trig to solve a problem nor do I see myself needing chemisty unless I take up cooking meth. However, what got me through college was that fake ID so I could go out on Thursday nights and PAR-TAY!

I will admit that Rico is the smartest man I know mainly because he got me.

Besides, if he’d left me alone during the test, I would have totally smoked his ass.

Dearest Peeps,

I need you to please clear your social calender for this weekend as I may die from this strep/feels like the flu/gonna die illness.

I expect all of you to attend my funeral and tell everyone “How natural I look…and wasn’t she the funniest person you ever met….and Gawd, I’m gonna miss her.”

As for flowers, I prefer lilies.

Thanks to all my family, friends, and fans.

Sincerely,

SFM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndcCVfp0AMU

This is the most precious thing I’ve ever watched.

Makes me want to get pregnant again til my kids start screaming.