A synopsis of my strep/feels like the flu/gonna die illness of 2008:
1. “Am I still alive?”…”Quit nudging me Rico, I’m still breathing…and don’t be cashing my life insurance money in singles and spending it on some chick named Lexi or Kandy.”
2. “My eyeballs hurt. Is it time to take another Darvocet?”
3. Me,”I’m taking another hot bath.” Rico, “Are you gonna use soap this time.” Me, “Probably not.”
4. “Where are my children and are they sick too?”
5. “If I die, can the IRS put a levy on my life insurance money?”
6. Said to Rico, “Did you know that while watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show that Ne-Ne was gonna whoop Kim’s butt but didn’t cause Kim admitted she was wearing a wig cause she thought she had cancer but she really didn’t.” Rico then rolling his eyes at my nonsense babbling.
7. Me talking to a telemarketer after their fourth call in one day, “Listen to me you stupid idiot, if you EVER call me again and ask me if I want a Vegas getaway, I will hunt you down in Opa Locka, Florida and I will lock you in a room with my kids after they’ve hit the sugar crack pipe. Then I will sew your mouth shut, clamp your nose and wax all your body hair with scalding hot wax.”
8. Me to Rico, “When I die, would you cremate me and spread my ashes at Mallory Square in Key West…wait, that means you get to go on vacation and I don’t….just spread my ashes at the MAC counter at the mall.”
9. “Do you think anyone will come to my funeral? Or will they just come to make fun of me and bring casseroles try to snatch the new hot widow?”
10. On awaking today from being in bed since last Tuesday, “Gawd, I smell.”
Holla, peeps. Starting to feel human again…off to shower WITH soap. It’s a brand new day!!!
