Horoscopes

Tonight, I was flipping through a magazine when I spotted the horoscopes. I scanned the list and there I was…Pisces.

Pisceans are said to be sensitive, dreamy, empathetic and intuitive. Knowing which planet is rotating in which house is supposed to guide me in making decisions and achieving my dreams.

I’m intuitive alright, sounds like crap to me.

My horoscope this month states, “Listen to your instincts as the Full Moon on the 12th helps manifest your ideas into reality.”

Well, my instincts during the Full Moon tells me to run like hell…to the nearest 5 star hotel for room service/spa and not tell anyone where I am. Anyone with kids knows that hell hath no fury like an evening with your children during a Full Moon.

Crap is gonna happen. Big crap. Not normal fighting over toys or spilling stuff on the carpet. That’s for quarter or half moons. Seasoned parents know that someone is gonna shed blood at the hands of a sibling or the plumber is gonna have to get a tiara that’s stuck in the crapper.

Kids during a Full Moon makes Guantanamo Bay look like a seaside resort.

Next my horoscope says, “Jupiter is moving into Uranus (giggle) and to say this mantra seven times… “Om padmo ushnisha vimale hum phat.”

I have no idea what that means but it can’t be good as it has the words “hum phat”. Could that be interpreted as, ”If you keep eating that raw cookie dough you’ve been hiding in the refrigerator away from the kids your butt is gonna get “HMMMM, FAT!” 

I thought so too. See…I AM intuitive.

So unless someone is gonna write a horoscope that tells me when the kids are actually gonna sleep all night or who put the toilet brush in the refrigerator…well, don’t waste my time.