Serenity and the Family Feud

From the outside looking in, my house looks peaceful. Green lawn…falling leaves…bicycles gently laid against the porch.

Once you enter, normalcy ceases to exist.

It’s gotten to the point I need a Valium suppository just to make a bologna sandwich. And yes, we eat bologna…the poor man’s steak…and we like LOVE it. Sometimes we get a little fancy…fry it and serve it on Chinet instead of cheap foam paper plates.

Yeah, that’s how we roll in small town USA.

Speaking of money, the IRS is bleeding me dry. I have until November 28 to pay up. I offered them one of my kids…even gave them the option of which one they wanted…but they declined. It seems they have no use for two girls with vile flatulence. WHAT? I guarantee you…if you took them over to Afghanistan for 5 minutes, Bin Laden would be coming out that mountain he’s been hiding in for years and ask, “What the hell is that smell?”

I also offered to go on welfare…since they don’t mind taking care of everyone else. It seems I’m not good enough. My cell phone isn’t up to snuff. If you qualify for welfare these days, you have to have the latest, top of the line Motorola/Blackberry with unlimited talk and text. Since I can’t afford  either, I don’t qualify.

They say if you don’t pay your taxes, they put a lien on whatever you own. Well, the bank owns all my stuff so I guess they will be putting a lien on my loan officer. Poor guy. I hope he forgives me.

Just joking…I’m gonna pay my taxes. Maybe Yes, I will. ‘Cause I’m a good citizen and good person and exaggerate a whole lot.

Maybe I can get on the Wheel of Fortune or the Family Feud…make me some quick cash. Ain’t nothing like getting molested by Richard Dawson on national TV for $12,000. (Survey says…I’d do it in a minute!)