Greetings from the Underworld
and Princess Land.
Words of wisdom from the Southern Confucius…
Confucius say when mother gives children bubblegum, she will cut it out of their hair.
Confucius say when mother sneaks and throws out Halloween candy, she is not a bad mother.
Confucius say when two year old ask for blueberry it may mean hot dog.
Confucius say when blond woman dyes her hair red, she will regret it.
Confucius say when husband buys too many properties, he will have no extra money for wife’s Botox.
Confucius say when mother gives milk in children’s sippy cup, it will end up lost and make the house smell bad.
Confucius say when you leave house with no diapers, children will poop.
Confucius say daughter who takes sudden interest in school will be in love with snot nosed punk.
Confucius say when two year old falls asleep in own bed for week, mother very happy.
Confucius say when two year old falls asleep in own bed for week, mother makes father very happy.
Confucius say Perez Hilton is educational literature for mother.
Confucius say Mexican food is as effective as Correctol.
Confucius say giving a two year old a bath with baby wipes is not neglect.
Confucius say ten year old will lie about brushing their teeth unless you check to see if toothbrush is wet.
Confucius say way to a man’s heart is not his stomach, it is much lower.
Confucius say mother that blogs late at night will hit snooze button many times in morning.
Confucius say mother needs much beauty sleep so black bags under eyes don’t appear.
Confucius say Goodnight.
Something is very wrong with this picture.
For starters, there’s toilet paper on the roll so that means that Ella hasn’t hit the bathroom yet.
Second, there is a motorcycle helmet on the floor…in the floor of my BATHROOM.
What good reason would anyone wear a helmet in the bathroom? Could it be that someone dropped a turd the size of Texas? A life threatening crap? Would that be a crap attack…like Elvis’ demise?
Can you die from defecation? Is toilet seat syndrome real? Was the smell so bad they thought they might lose consciousness and hit their head and die? Probably.
Do I have a new career designing shitter helmets? Can’t y’all see me on Oprah with my new invention…the Turbo Turd Helmet. She might even give them away on her “Favorite Things” episode. I’ll become rich and famous all because of crap. I’ll be the Crap Queen.
No one is admitting to the use of the helmet.
I am staking out surveillance.
And, no my friends, it wasn’t me. ‘Cause my poo’s are all dainty and smell like roses.
Just some random thoughts…
1. My husband did karaoke to the “Oh, Brother Where Art Thou” theme song last weekend. He looked like a turd in a punch bowl in his Izod sweater. You can’t impersonate George Clooney as Everett if you have no hair for your Dapper Dan and you ain’t wearing a pair of Pointer overalls. Can you pull off bluegrass in country club attire? No, you can’t.
2. Who thought of putting ketchup in beans? I made a big pot of northern beans and ham. Good soul food. My husband then decided it needed ketchup. Ketchup? In beans? Isn’t that a southern sin? About the same level as Neil Young singing “Sweet Home Alabama?”
I say it’s wrong…and I’m the queen.
3. I’m getting my hair did tomorrow. I’m feeling a little frisky.
Should I go red? Stay blond? Go short? Stay long?
I do not like green eggs and ham. Sam I am.
4. Is vile farts genetic? How does a two year old know it’s funny? Is it a maternal or paternal trait? Do I come from a long line of flatulence? Is this the legacy I’m leaving to my kids?
5. Do I really need to see feminine hygiene commercials? I mean, will I really feel like a fresh, summer rain? Do I want to smell like a fresh, summer rain? Will it be life changing as the commercial implies?
Generations before me did not smell like Summer’s Eve and I don’t think I want to either.
6. I am cutting back on expenses. Thanks to the IRS and the crappy economy, I have been brown bagging it to work for two weeks. Will I have some kind of psychotic episode if I go so long without grease and fast food? I know it’s really bad for you but I think trans fats make my brain work. Will my body shut down and go into withdrawals? I think healthy eating has a direct link to living a shorter life span.
7. We had a “scare” on a local college campus. Someone reported a seeing a man with a gun. Luckily, it was a false report. I don’t know about you but the only thing I was worried about in college was who was having a party the for the weekend and how mad my parents were gonna be when they saw my grades. Kids are stupid these days.
8. Ya’ll know Ella has a sleeping problem. Problem is putting it mildly. She don’t sleep. Well, Friday we are going to see a pediatric sleep specialist. Who knew? Are they gonna tell me I’m just gonna have to deal with it and there’s nothing they can do? Will I end up on the psych floor due to sleep deprivation? Can you die from sleep deprivation?
9. Is the reason I haven’t won the lottery is cause God knows how much I’d spend on Botox and Restylane? Is he saving me from myself so I don’t end up like that crazy woman in NYC that looks like a cat from so many botched procedures?
10.I know I’m rambling…but it’s my blog and I can ramble if I want too.
ELLA: Where going?
ELLA: Daddy going?
ME: He lives there.
ELLA: Momma going?
ME: On a fast train…
ELLA: Ray-Ray going?
ME: She was born there.
ELLA: Me’s going?
ME: Yeap. You’re the queen of crazy.
ELLA: Me like crazy.
ME: Good thing.
ELLA: Go crazy Momma.
ME: Already there.
I had a revelation tonight. My child talks like Forrest Gump.
While watching it with Rico, we both stopped mid-sentence and looked at each other and just busted out laughing. It’s uncanny. The kid could be the spawn of Forrest. And yes, I know my baby daddy ain’t Forrest Gump.
She “drawls” all her words out like a real southern lady but then she adds a degree of baritone and it’s anything but feminine.
”MAAMA, YOU AND ME’S LIKE PEEAS AND CAAROTS”…”MAAMA, BAH-WOONIE ON A PLAATE”…”HAALP ME, MAAMA”…”LOUTENAANT DANN…YOU GOT NEEW LEGGS.”
Ya’ll remember the scene in the movies where “Sweet Home Alabama” comes on and he and Jenny are dancing in the living room? That’s how Ella dances. It’s a cross between “feeding the chickens” and “shake your booty white girl with no rhythm.”
AND…the kid likes shrimp… shrimp salad, shrimp gumbo. shrimp cocktail, shrimp soup…
No one can PROVE I had a secret, torrid affair in Greenbo, Alabama that resulted in a Gump love child…and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
I have a friend. We’ll call her “Hot Momma.”
Recently divorced, she’s only focused on her kids. She has no time for going out or dating…even though she’s had plenty of offers.
Anyhoo, while taking out the trash today she cut the back of her leg on some glass that was in the trash bag. She came in the office and the doctor decided she needed stitches.
So while my co-worker was cleaning her cut with betadine (you know, that yucky brown stuff that won’t wash off for days), I decided to use the stick of betadine for a little art work…all down the back of her other leg.
I thought it was quite poetic… 4 A GOOD TIME CALL XXX-XXXX.
If a friend can’t help you get a man…what good are they?
This is the “Charm Gate”…which legend says anyone who touches the gate walks away charmed. Well, Ray-Ray wasn’t for sure if she understood what charmed meant…and she really didn’t believe anyone when they told her it was a good thing. She thought they might be pulling her leg…not that we do that very often. Yeah, right.
So, she’s torn. She wants to touch it but is afraid to. Rachel has had this inner conflict since she was born. She really wants to do something but then becomes deathly afraid to. Now keep in mind, this is a child that will embrace a homeless person who hasn’t bathed in months without flinching…but touching a “charm gate” is another subject altogether.
Upon many reassurances that the “charm gate” wasn’t a bad thing…she touched it.
We’ll see what happens.
We made it home. At one time, we didn’t think we would make it (with the flatulance and the constant stop for McDonalds) but we did.
We went from this…
beautiful sunsets and warm ocean breezes…
crazy man driving a Hoverround down main street.
What a welcome home.