Blond Moments

I know I’m not really a blond and I know that I’m not really dumb. But sometimes I amaze myself with “blond moments” that I have.

Case in point:

1. Today while helping Rico landscape one of the rental properties and unloading the skid-steer from the flat bed trailer, I dropped the ramp on my foot. I thought I would be helping by putting the ramps back up but because I am such a ding dong and uncoordinated, I dropped it smack down on my foot while trying to hold the ramp up and put the metal pin in place.

I do not need to be handling heavy equipment.

2. My father-in-law has a cool, antique Volkswagen truck.  It’s small and yellow and smokes like a freight train. It’s so funky it’s cool.

Anyhoo, I volunteered to run to the Wally World to get more black plastic for the landscaping…mainly to get out of raking dirt and picking up rock. Yeah, I’m like that. So, I decided to drive the funky little VW to Wal-Mart. Funky truck…cool sunglasses…baseball hat. I’m a rock star.

I get there…park…and go inside only to find out they do not have black plastic. I bee-bop out to the truck and discover that I am incapable of putting the thing in reverse. Reverse in the VW is not like most 5-speeds. It’s not on the bottom right. It’s at the top left. Right next to first gear.

I work and work…no reverse. After 15 minutes and no luck…and people in the parking lot looking at me like I’m an idiot, I go into the tire center. Two men are at the desk and I plead my case. “I need help…my truck won’t go into reverse…I’m helpless because I am a woman…and blond…and my husband won’t answer his cell phone.”

This nice guy comes out in the parking lot with me and the whole time I’m trying to talk to him and make him believe that I am not a complete idiot. Surely there is something horribly wrong with the truck. Maybe it’s the transmission?

Tire dude gets in the truck and puts it right in reverse. He then takes it out of gear and informs me that in order to put it in reverse, you have to put it over to the left and push down and up.

I am so embarrassed. However, I can now put in reverse and back up for miles.

3. After leaving Wal-Mart, I head to the local convenience store for drinks for my husband and father-in-law…whom I left doing all the hard work. I pull in the parking space confidently because I know how to back out.

I park the truck, put it in neutral and put on the parking brake.

Exiting the store, I see that the cool, little VW truck has coasted half way across the parking lot. Luckily, it didn’t run into anyone or anything…but two dudes in a commercial van started laughing when they saw me utter words I can’t type on here because my mother reads my blog.

No one told me the parking brake does not work. You know what happens when you assume…

Today, I have come to the conclusion that all these years of bleaching my hair has affected my brain. I think I’ll become a redhead.