It comes as no surprise that two Southern hicks claim to have in their possession the so called “man-ape beast” known as Sasquatch. Would Sasquatch want to live anywhere else in the world but down here in the South? And do any of you really feel ANYONE is more capable of finding this legend than a bunch of rednecks?

Here’s the lowdown…Two guys, Bubba and DeWayne are out drinking…and one is gone away from home a little longer than he knows he should be. He starts getting nervous. “Man, Sissy is gonna be pissed.  I got to get home. You know it’s hell when Sissy gets pissed. She won’t let me out to play again for months. What we gonna do Bubba?”

Bubba and Dewayne are in a real quandary…”Do we go home and face the wrath of Sissy or do we tell the biggest lie known to man?” It’s a no brainer.

And that, my friends is the rest of the story…two drunk hicks trying to escape the wrath of a pissed off Southern woman. What’s really sad…the more they talked about it…the more they thought their plan would work. A gorilla outfit…some of Bubba’s blood mixed in with some possum guts. Who would ever find them out?

Bubba and DeWayne sadly missed out on high school biology…you know, the class about DNA? The GED workshop just didn’t go that far. If only the had stayed in school one more year…

First of all, you should be ashamed of yourself. And…it’s a good thing you don’t live around here.

I just gotta ask…WHY? Why didn’t you just man up and divorce your wife if you didn’t want to be married? Did you think she would crumble…not be able to make it on her own? Or did you think you could get away with having your cake and eat it too? Stupid, stupid man.

Did you not think anyone would notice that SENATOR Edwards…former PRESIDENTIAL candidate…was screwing the help? Tsk…tsk…

This is what happens in my neck of the woods if you get caught hiding the salami somewhere else. You better bet your sweet behind that your crap would be all out in your fancy suburban lawn. Maybe you wouldn’t have a spray painted boat and flannel shirts…but a Cadillac Escalade and a tailored suit? Yeah, I can picture it in my mind and a smile is spreading across my face. 

This woman is dying…all the while CAMPAINING for your sorry no good self. Then, in the precious time she has left, she has to deal with the whole world knowing what a ding-dong she married? 

All I got to say is…What comes around, goes around… and bites you in the butt. You better get some big pillows to sit on…cause it’s gonna be a mighty big bite.

Sincerely,

SFM

This is something you won’t see very often…Ella sleeping. Sleeping so hard she has slobbered all over MY pillow. Of course, this isn’t at 3 a.m. It’s 3 p.m. and this nap only lasted 30 minutes.

After consulting with our pediatrician, Ella has been given some medication to help with her insomnia. She explained that Ella just doesn’t require sleep and that this will be a wonderful trait in college…even though it’s just about to kill us now. This is a last resort effort. We were thrilled with the thought of our first “all-nighter.”

Boy, were we WRONG. I was so assured that this miracle medication would work that I told my husband to go work on the rental property while I proceed to take care of two children and do my bowel prep before surgery.

The medication is to be given 1/2 tsp. at bedtime and to repeat in 30 minutes if still awake. SO…

Bath time came. We put on pajamas…and medicate.

Ella gets in her bed…and cries for a few minutes. I try to let her “cry it out.”

As Rachel and I are cuddling in bed watching Alvin and the Chipmunks…I smell something strange. I keep asking Rachel if she passed gas (which is a common occurrence). She adamantly denies again and again.

At this point, Ella is still crying and my bowel prep is starting to take hold….you know, when you get to the point of holding your butt cheeks together and running to the toilet. Yeah, that’s where I was at. However, I decided to check on Ella before I go to the bathroom.

Low and behold, there’s Ella in all her glory. Naked as the day she was born. That putrid smell is burning my nose…Where is it coming from???? No need for further investigation.  Ella had taken off all her clothes…crapped the bed…peed the bed…and because she has a weak stomach like her Daddy…decided the smell was too much…and puked right on top of it.

I could have cried and crapped myself at the same time. 

My friend has told me that she has read this is a sign of being gifted. This ain’t gifted. This is just being bull-headed. The child is just sending out the message that she ain’t sleeping….and I can’t make her.

I hear you Ella. Loud and clear.

Rico and I decided to have our portrait painted. A testament of our undying love to hang in the dining room.

As ya’ll can see, I’m a little on the pale side. It’s hard keeping up my tan while recovering from surgery. Rico wanted to see himself with some hair…it’s been awhile.

I think it’s very flattering. My expanding waist looks good in the Pre-Raphaelite era…although Rico said in real life he would need a much bigger fig leaf.

I can’t wait to unveil it at the next family dinner. Everyone will be so envious.

I have to give a lot of “shout outs” to my home girls for all the well wishes and help during my recovery.

Ya’ll know, good girlfriends make the world go around…and I’ve been blessed! My small group of girlfriends are the kind that would not only bail you out of jail…but be sitting there with you saying. “Damn that was fun!” They are also handy if any of us ever need to bury a man that’s done us wrong…we all keep our shovels handy for each other.

Farm Chick welcomed me home with a fabulous dinner of her famous lasagna, salad fresh from her garden and a chess pie. And to top it all off, a “Get Well” card that said, “Hope your twat gets better soon.” How can you beat that?

Many calls from my home girl Jackie and others has kept my spirits up and my moral good. All would drop anything to help me out and I can’t thank them enough.

Rico has been the “bestest” nurse…taking over all my mommy duties and even telling me he doesn’t know how I do it all…the best gift of all…being appreciated

The biggest “thank you” to the my doctor…for all the good drugs. They have made my life so wonderful and my attitude so cheery. And for those of you who don’t know me personally, “cheery” is not a word people usually use to describe me.

Maybe I should stay on them all the time…

Alright, you guys…get your mind out of the gutter!

Sometimes you don’t realize the changes in your children day to day.. Then you wake up one morning and there they are…growing up before your eyes.

I have noticed the most profound change in Rachel over the last two weeks. She has gone from this insecure, whiny child to a confident young lady. I don’t know if it started with the week away at camp or the start of the new school year, but something has changed my sweet baby for the good.

I have watched her compassion as she tries to care for me. Asking if I need anything or if she can help do chores. YES, I said, she asked to do chores…for a fee, mind you…but she asked. I didn’t have to bribe or threaten. And her room…has stayed clean…for a week now.

She has helped take care of her sister. Trying to calm her down when she’s upset or distract her when she is having a tantrum. A big sister, stepping up to the plate.

Maybe this will be the beginning of a whole new chapter…or maybe it will just last a few weeks. Whichever, I am enjoying it…and relishing how proud I am of my Ray-Ray.

P.S. The blue teeth are from the Sno-Cones at the fair…didn’t want ya’ll we didn’t brush!

I have been promising you that I would introduce you to my Cast Iron Skillet Pie recipe. My mom and grandmother have made this recipe for as long as I can remember. My mom would make the pie filling and serve over warm homemade biscuits and call it “Chocolate Gravy.” It was a special treat for us and we would beg for it daily.

The one thing that makes this pie delicious is cooking it in a cast iron skillet. Maybe it’s all in my head or maybe it’s just the thought of it being made the same way generation after generation that makes it so good. I stick with the iron skillet. Why ruin a good thing?

Cast Iron Skillet Chocolate Pie

1 cup sugar

1 cup milk

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

2 rounded Tbsp. cocoa

1 rounded Tbsp. butter (real butter ladies…no need for anything else)

2 rounded Tbsp. flour

In a bowl, combine sugar, flour and cocoa. In a cast iron skillet, melt butter. Add sugar mixture to melted butter. In another bowl, beat eggs and milk together. Add this mixture, a little at a time, to sugar mixture in skillet stirring constantly. Cook slowly. When thick enough, add vanilla and place in a baked pie shell. Top with meringue (which I hate ever since my brother told me it was calf slobbers) and bake at 325 degrees until meringue browned.

Now that everyone’s garden is overflowing with an abundance of produce or you have a great selection at your local farmer’s market, I thought I would introduce you to a fabulous summer salad.

Strawberry Spinach Salad

Ingredients for Salad:

1 bag spinach

1 carton of strawberries

1/2 red onion, thinly sliced

1 can sweet pecans

1 can salted pecans

1 carton of Feta cheese

1 bag real Bacon Bits

Ingredients for Dressing:

1 cup Mayo (yes, the real thing)

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup Raspberry wine vinegar

Mix salad ingredients in a bowl.  In separate bowl, mix dressing ingredients. This will make a large amount of dressing. You can refrigerate the rest or share with a friend.

Toss salad with dressing and serve.

Yes, I will take the Thank You’s ahead of time…it’s that good.

Howdy peeps,

Well, I made it home. Just so you know, if anyone tells you a laproscopic hysterectomy isn’t a big deal…they lied or were comatose the whole recuperating period.

It hurts like hell and my belly is the size of a watermelon. Passing gas (which they encourage you to do) is like giving birth through your anus. And as an added bonus, I have gained 5 pounds.

How do you gain 5 pounds when you do a bowel prep, fast for 2 days, and eat like a bird the rest of the time? It is beyond me. I was looking at weight LOSS as a bonus to the surgery. Now I have to stay in bed and not eat…makes me so depressed.

Rico has been a wonderful nurse. I give him a big thumbs up.

I will post more when I am out of this drug induced haze and can actually comprehend what I am writing.