I don’t get on Ebay very often, for good reason. I start out just browsing glassware and antiques. You know, just window shopping. Then I start thinkin’. Which in my case is never a good idea. So, I was thinkin’ about the bridal shower Farm Chick and I are having for one of our friends later on this summer. Wouldn’t it be a great idea to do several homemade cakes instead of the regular sheet cake thing. Beautiful, towering sweet concoctions on magnificent antique cake stands. Fabulous idea, I tell myself. Well, here’s the problem. I don’t have that many cake stands of my own and it would be rude to borrow them…so I rationalize buying FOUR as of this minute…and maybe three more. Ebay makes it so easy to get caught up in the bidding war. I want it…they want it…who wants it more???? Those of you who know me personally know I’m gonna get it…I can’t stand not to. Rico Sauve asked me what I was doing a second ago. I told him paying for some stuff on Paypal…you know the cake STAND I was talking about. I’ll break the other three or five of them to him gently…like after he buys a new scope or rifle. If that doesn’t work, I’ll be finding a 12 step program. Ya’ll pray for me!
Number #1 Every morning as I go to work, I get behind a slowpoke. EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I think they sit and wait for me, using CB radios to signal each other to pull out in front of me. I swear, I can be 100 feet away, when a rusty old Impala with no muffler will pull out. They won’t even look..they just pull out at neck breaking speed and then cruise to town at 30 miles per hour. I don’t know where all these people go…cause it certainly isn’t to work…they’d never get there. Do they just congregate in town all day and wait for me to come back home so they can slow me down again?
Number #2 The toilet seat being up in the middle of the night. Ladies, we’ve all been there. Stumbling in the dark, keeping our eyes closed so we don’t fully wake up. Going to the bathroom to pee ’cause we just can’t hold it any longer even though we don’t want to leave our warm spot in the bed. You finally get there without stumping your toe and you sit down and fall your ass in the toilet. Makes me mad just thinking about it.
Number #3 Next is getting the wrong order at the fast food drive thru. But the kicker to the situation is you don’t realize it until you are already back at work. This happens to me on a fairly regular basis. I know the fast food industry employees work hard and I don’t want to take their place. I work hard too. I’m a nurse and I always make sure I have the right medicine in the syringe before I give you a shot…I would appreciate it if you would make sure my burger is correct before you put it in the bag. Thanks.
Number #4 People who crowd me while in line anywhere. You know how it is. You go someplace and have to stand in line forever…and there’s always one or two people that get right up behind you breathing on your neck like that extra two inches they’re gaining in line is gonna make that much of a difference. If you’re that desperate to get ahead of the line, cut in front of me…but just know I’m gonna breathe down your neck and get all in your personal space so you know how it feels.
Number #5 Leaving the water in the bathtub. We have one those fancy smancy garden jacuzzi tubs. The kids use it for their bathtub..but every now and then I like to clean out all the barbie dolls and toys and relax. The tub takes forever to fill up and forever to drain. The drain is probably filled with a big wad of barbie hair and paper labels from shampoo bottles. So on the occasion when I’d like a little soak, it never fails the tub is full of COLD dirty water. I then have to wait 20 minutes for it to drain and the next 10 for the fill…by this time I am too sleepy listening to the water to take a bath.
Number #6 Dirty cold sink water. You know when you soak that casserole dish that’s burnt with all kinds of funk? You then place it in your sink to soak ’cause you really don’t want to fool with it today…maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and you have to put your hand in that cold, nasty water to pull the drain. YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!
Number #7 Eyebrow waxing by my sadistic hairdresser. I love her to death. She’s done my hair for a hundred years. We’ve shared everything but men and I’d give her a kidney if she needed it. It’s just that she enjoys inflicting pain and calling me names when she waxes my eyebrows. It hurts. I would rather have natural childbirth. The only thing worse would be getting my woo-hoo waxed and that ain’t gonna happen.
Number #8 My bread getting smashed at the grocery. Why do they do this? Is it a sick game of how many loaves they can ruin in a day? Or do they know that it makes me mad enough to chew nails? Bread is your friend…don’t smash it.
Number #9 Customer Service lines with no humans. No, I don’t want to push #5 to hear my options in Spanish. I’m American, we speak English. And don’t outsource to India, no one understands them. I have nothing against the Indians. I’m glad they’re making a decent living…but speak clearly. And don’t tell me not to get mad when you don’t understand me. All I want is one polite English speaking person to answer the phone and answer my question. Is that too hard?
Number #10 Automated telemarketing calls. I hate when the phone rings at dinner time and you answer it and there is a message that says, “Please hold for an operator.” I don’t want to hold on…I didn’t call you and I don’t want to hear your crap about me winning a free Las Vegas vacation for the low price of $99. Nothing but the clap cost $99 in Vegas. Next time you call me, I’m just gonna start screaming and yelling in Indian.
Farm Chick and her brood went with us to Maker’s Mark this weekend. Ella thinks she is just as big as Toot’s and followed her around all day…holding her hand…touching her hair…giving her kisses. She thinks Toots is the bomb. I caught the two of them sitting on the front steps of the distillery in their own little world. By the way, check out Farm Chicks blog, www.itsasmalltownlife.blogspot.com, the pictures are great.
Ray Ray has left for church camp. I have known for a couple weeks that she was going…but a part of me doubted she would go. Rachel has always been a little clingy with me. Other than going to her Dad’s and staying with Nana, she stays at home with us. She called me from her Dad’s Saturday night and said she just didn’t think she could go…her voice quivering and on the verge of tears. I told her no big deal. She could go if she wanted or she could stay home…her decision. Well, today she came home and wanted to know if I had packed all her stuff. She was ready to go. Off we go to the church to meet everyone else….I’m just waiting for the tears to fall and her to cling to me and come home. But to my surprise, the only tears that fell were mine. I cried like a baby when she got in that van…with all those other kids and left with nary a wave. It’s over now. My baby has crossed that milestone. She doesn’t need me that much anymore. I thought I would be happy to see her reach this day…but a part of me is so sad. My baby is growing up.
Kentucky is well known for several things…The Derby, our beautiful bluegrass, Ft. Knox, and bourbon. We are proud to claim home to the Maker’s Mark distillery. Maker’s Mark bourbon is not the same as whiskey. For those of you who don’t know the difference, whiskey has a minimum of 80% corn whereas bourbon can never exceed 79%. Whiskey can be aged in new or used barrels but bourbon has to age in once only charred oak barrels. Maker’s Mark is one of the few remaining distillers that propagates it’s own yeast for fermentation with cultures that trace back to the pre-prohibition era. It also is the only bourbon distillery to use pure, iron-free limestone spring water exclusively, not city, well or river water. Their water source is a 10 acre limestone spring fed lake on the distillery grounds. We live about 45 minutes from the Maker’s Mark distillery and yet this was our first but not last visit. The grounds were beautiful and the tour interesting. At the end of the tour, you may taste the bourbon if you choose (and we did) and purchase and dip your own bottle. Maker’s Mark is known for it’s wax seal with the wax tendrils dripping down the side. We dipped our bottle but it was alot harder than it looked. My wax kinda ran down too far. So for all you bourbon lovers, if you pass through our beautiful state….you should definitely plan on a stop in Loretto, Kentucky for the Maker’s Mark tour.
See this guy in the video? This is one of the fruitcakes running the rides at the local fair. Ray-Ray even noticed he was a little nutty and asked, “What has he been smoking?” Needless to say, I didn’t let my kids ride this ride.
I have been in mourning ever since Ginger over at DeepFriedKudzu informed me that White Lily Flour is leaving Knoxville and moving north. How can the greatest asset of southern cooks move…and up north at that? No offense to my northern friends…but some things will always be southern…sweet tea, magnolia trees, pecan pie and White Lily flour. So, as an adieu to White Lily leaving…I am treating you all to the perfect southern biscuit. It never fails. My mother-in-law told me my biscuits were better than hers after trying them…so the must be pretty good. You can eliminate the gingerbread biscuit…Farm Chick and I were just having fun.
The Perfect Southern Biscuit (a.k.a Angel Biscuits)
2 cups White Lily self rising flour (no substitutions) 1/2 pint of whipping cream
Mix and roll out on floured surface. Using a biscuit cutter, cut biscuits without twisting. Twisting the biscuits prevents them from rising properly. Bake on a cooking stone for 13-15 minutes or until done at 450 degrees.
Everyone that knows me knows that I have the uncanny talent to run in heels. I am very adept at walking in stiletto’s and could run a 5K in Jimmy Choo’s. I joke to my friends that if I had to homeschool my kids the only thing they would be proficient in would be running in heels and makeup application. I’ve started both my girls out with heels at a very young age…starting with those plastic heels from the Dollar Store and working up to my slingbacks. It’s very important to walk like a lady in even the most trashy shoe. You can be the first female president of the United States but if you trip over your heels on your way to the inaugural podium…your just gonna look like a ding dong. So here’s to all the woman who can rock a pair of heels…for those of you who can’t…give me a call for lessons.
Ella hasn’t been sleeping well lately. Every night about an hour after we turn our TV off, she wakes up. We think that the quietness of the house is waking her up…I know that sounds crazy. So tonight Todd decides to go to Wal-mart and find one of those nature CD’s of rainfall or waves crashing on the shore to play in her room. Maybe a little noise would keep her sleeping tightly. Off he goes to the Wally World and looks for that display we’ve seen a hundred times. You know, the one with all the weird CD’s you can sample? Rachel always goes straight to it and puts on the conga. He looks and looks and can’t find it. Finally he tracks down an employee and ask them. They tell him that they’d never had anything like that before. Discouraged, he sets off again to look over by the greeting cards on the other side of the store. Halfway over to the card aisle he hears on the intercom, “Will the man looking for the ocean CD please return to the candle aisle.” My husband…in touch with his feminine side. HA!
I'm a 30-ish bottle blond...hanging on to my sanity and youth by my fingertips. I'm trying to raise my children right like my parents taught me. I try to have it all together but fail miserably.
